


How Did Everything Get So Cynical?

by Natalie_Carson



Series: I Do Love Nothing In The World So Much As You [2]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Happy Ending, Happy parts, I promise, Marriage Counseling, Sad parts, alternative universe, definitely more towards the end, it won't be long before they're getting better, marriage problems, maybe this is the bad place, slight AU, there are some fluffy parts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-07-29 08:01:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16260035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natalie_Carson/pseuds/Natalie_Carson
Summary: Five years after being married, the spark seems to be gone. All that’s left is constant bickering and passive aggressive behavior. Just when everything appears to be lost, they decide to start fighting for their marriage, fighting for each other, and the love they once had. They fell apart and broke together and now they have to heal and come back together.It's basically a painful falling back in love story.





	1. There's A One Way Mirror Between Us

**Author's Note:**

> I've never been through therapy and did little research so this is me faking my way through it. But hopefully it is still good and entertaining :)

Amy stood at the airport rocking back and forth nervously on her feet. She watched passengers come down the escalator and meet their loved ones. One girl ran down the escalator when she saw the boy she was waiting for. The way she jumped in his arms and he kissed him like no one was watching was sickening. She used to have that. 

Amy stood there waiting. The flow of passengers slowly began to trickle down to nothing and Amy wondered if she should’ve even showed up. They hadn’t exactly ended things on the best conditions. 

Finally she saw him descending down the elevators, backpack on shoulders. He smiled when he saw her and she smiled back although it didn’t quite meet her eyes. If she was being honest, there was a small part of her that was relieved when she thought maybe she missed him and Charles had picked him up. “Hey.” He said when he reached her. 

“Hi.” She said continuing to sway back and forth. “How was Seattle?”

“Nice.” Jake said as the two of them started to walk towards baggage claim. “It rained a lot, but I expected that. I’ll probably have to back here in a week or two, there were a couple of loose ends that just need to be tied up before the trial.” 

“Oh.” Amy said. The two of them stood in silence while they watched the bags circle on the carousel. All around them other people were talking to their loved ones who they clearly missed. That wasn’t exactly the case for Jake and Amy.

Finally Jake grabbed his bag and the two of them were able to head out of the airport and back to where Amy had parked the car. “So, how have you been?” Jake asked her as she drove away from the airport.

“Okay.” She said. “Been a little busy at the precinct but nothing more than usual.”

“That’s good.” Jake said. Amy pursed her lips together to keep from saying something that she would regret in an hour. “Any good new cases or nine nine drama?”

“No.” Amy said. “Boyle is throwing you a welcome back party tomorrow night at Shaw’s bar. He’s pretty excited that you’re back. I think he missed you.” It wasn’t that long ago that she would’ve added that she missed him too, but like she said, that wasn’t the case anymore.

“That doesn't surprise me.” Jake said. “Gosh New York traffic is so much worse than Seattle.”

“It’s not nearly as big.” Amy said.

“True.” Jake added before the pair were out of things to talk about. Eventually they made it back to their apartment. Amy offered to carry his backpack but he was stubborn and refused. Inside the house Jake noticed that it was far more clean then when he had left. Walking in the living room was like standing there two months ago. The night before he left as they screamed their hearts out at each other. He looked around and noticed several of the pictures flipped upside down. “Why did you flip all the pictures of her?” He asked flipping one backup to its upright position.

Amy shrugged once. “I just didn’t want to look at them. I swore that I was going to put them up right in the morning, but then never did.”

“Hm.” Jake said walking back to the bedroom to start and put his stuff up. Amy stayed where she was standing not wanting to follow him into the room. Instead she opted to head to the kitchen and make some tea. She warmed up two mugs before dropping the herbal tea packages in. She left his on the counter and made her way to the couch with hers. 

When he came back out he was wearing sweatpants and an old NYPD shirt. Seeing him in it made something in her heart sting. She wished it wasn't considered an 'old' shirt. “There’s a mug on the counter for you.”

“Okay.” Jake said. “Thanks.” he grabbed the mug and made his way towards the couch sitting down next to her. He sat down leaving a fair amount of room between the two of them. There was a moment of silence where neither one of them said anything. Then Jake asked what they were both dying to know. “Can you tell me where we stand?”

“What do you mean?” She asked.

“Oh come on Ames.” Jake said taking another sip of his tea and sighing. He set the mug down on the coffee table before looking at her. Like really looking at her, since the first time he got off the plane. He was still struck with awe at how beautiful she was with zero effort. “Don’t play stupid. You and I both know that things were not great when I left, and to be honest they don’t seem any better now.”

“I don’t know.” Amy said. “Things were just hard.”

“But we’re better now?” Jake asked.

Amy was silent for a minute or so before speaking. “I don't know." She repeated. "Do you think we’re better?” Her voice was hoarse and sounded like they had been yelling at each other for fifty years. 

“I don’t know.” Jake replied honestly. “Everything just feels so off. I don’t feel like myself anymore and you don’t seem like yourself.

Amy nodded once looking to the corner of where the living room rug meet the hardwood floor. She hoped he wouldn’t notice the way tears were starting to form in the corner of her eyes. Tonight seemed like one of those nights where he was going to care that she was crying. Unlike the night that he left where it seemed like he couldn’t give a damn. “I'm going to go to bed.” She said.

“I will too. It’s been a long day.” They got up off the couch together making their way back to the bedroom. Amy smiled slightly at the way he had already hung up all of his clean stuff and put his dirty stuff in the dirty laundry. The old him would’ve left it in his suitcase for weeks. 

Amy laid down in bed first turning to face the nightstand. The tears were silently falling down her face as she felt the bed dip down next to her. She wondered if that girl from the airport was snuggling up with her boyfriend or husband. She was probably telling him how much she loved him and missed him.” Goodnight.” She heard Jake say from next to her.

“Goodnight.” She whispered back hoping that he wouldn’t notice the way her voice slightly cracked. “I love you.” She added almost afraid that he wouldn't say it back.

“I love you too.” He whispered back.

\-------

_“This cabin is so nice.” Amy exclaimed as her and Jake walked into the cruise room. “I can’t believe you were able to get such a good deal on it. So help me God if Doug Judy is on this boat.”_

_Jake laughed closing the door behind him. “Trust me, I’m not going to let anyone drag me away from you this week. You have my undivided attention for an entire week. Well- They are playing Die Hard as a part of their movie under the star thing. So I guess you’ll lose it for two hours and twelve minutes.”_

_“Jake we’ve seen that movie a thousand times. We should go and see La La Land instead. I’ve been wanting to see it for so long now.”_

_“We will see Ames. We will see.” He said as he leaned down to kiss her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back. “Still can’t believe I got this lucky.” He whispered with his forehead resting against hers._

_“That’s what I say every morning that I wake up next to you. Do you want to go check out the buffet? I'm starving.”_

_“Hell yes.” Jake said. The two of them made their way out of the cabin and down the long hallways of the cruise ship. In the glass elevator Jake turned to her and said “We totally have to make out in this thing at some point.”_

_“Shut up.” Amy said turning away from him so he couldn’t see the smile on her face. The two of them found a table at the buffet that was by the windows. “This is gorgeous.” Amy said looking out the window. The only thing in sight was the ocean._

_“Yeah.” Jake agreed looking only at her. The two of them both got their food before returning to the table. “I can’t believe all of this is free!” Jake exclaimed looking down at his plate that was filled with various kinds of meat._

_“Well it’s not, it’s included in the price we paid to be on the boat.” Jake just shrugged his shoulder picking up his fork and starting to tear apart the meat._

_“As excited as I am to start at the F.B.I., I have to admit, I’m going to miss the nine nine. Charles was devastated when I told him.”_

_“I know, because I was there.” Amy said as she started to eat her fish. “Well I’m going to miss being your boss. I was hoping to at least get a couple of years with you after being promoted to sergeant of the detectives. I was just starting to enjoy bossing you around.” She said with a slight smirk._

_“You can still do that.” Jake said wiggling his eyebrows. “If you know what I mean.”_

_“I am just going to ignore that.” She said leaning back in her chair. The two spent the rest of lunch talking about what they were going to do for the rest of the day as well as the rest of the cruise._

\-----

“We have Charles’s party tonight.” Amy said sitting across the table from Jake while cutting her pancake. It had been a while since she had an actual prepared breakfast. Cooking was Jake’s thing, when he was gone she usually just ordered takeout and sat in front of the tv. 

“Okay.” Jake said as he poured a ridiculously amount of maple syrup on his pancake. “I’m sure he’ll be excited to see me.”

“It’s all he’s been talking about.” Amy said. “He missed you a lot.” It was strange to Amy that Charles Boyle missed her husband more than she did. Sure, he was his best friend or whatever, but she was his wife. Shouldn’t she have missed him? It was driving her crazy how little she missed him. She had felt guilty about it the whole time.

“I missed _him_ alot.” Jake said. Amy looked up at the sudden change in Jake’s voice. It was the same tone that had started their argument right before he left. That passive aggressive way that he spoke sometimes. 

“Are you gonna shave?” She asked just now noticing the new scruff that was forming under his jaw line. At one point she had loved a little scruff. The way it tickled when he kissed her and how rough it felt under her hands. But now all she could see where the ways it made him look rough around the edges. He didn’t look like the nice sweet boy she had married, he looked like a careless man.

“I don’t know. Should I?” He asked running his hand over it. He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but he must have decided not too.

“Yes.” Amy said perhaps too quickly and harshly. She knew what he was going to say and she didn't want to hear it.

“Okay.” Jake said. “I wasn’t sure I was digging it anyways.”

Amy nodded once finishing eating her pancake on her plate. She got up and put the plate in the dishwasher. “I have to go. Can’t be late.”

“Of course.” Jake said standing from the table. “I should probably be getting ready too.” Amy walked to the door and Jake followed her. “Do you want to drive together or go separately to Charles’s thing?”

“You can pick me up if you want or I can pick you up. Either way.” She said as she grabbed her bag off the hook.

“I’ll pick you up. It'll give me a chance to stop in the nine nine.” Jake said as he followed her to the door. He walked towards her and wrapped his arms around her holding her tightly against him. It took Amy a second to realize what was happening. Once she did she wrapped her arms back around him. It was like being taken back to all those years ago when a simple hug could fix any problem she had. That wasn't the case anymore. 

She took a deep breath and wrinkled her nose slightly at the smell. Amy pulled back away from him adjusting her purse on her shoulder. “I should go.” 

Jake nodded and watched as she walked out the door. “Ames.” He said and she turned around to look at him. “I missed you.”

Amy looked down at the ground unable to meet her husband’s eyes. “I miss you too.” She said before closing the door behind her walking down the hallway and wiping tears out of her eyes.

\------

_“Hey Ames?” Jake asked his arms still tightly wrapped around her. Their cabin door to the balcony was open and outside he could hear the ocean. When Amy suggested sleeping with it open, he was hesitant, but it really was nice._

_“Hm?” Amy asked her arm slung over his chest. “Round two?”_

_“Maybe in a second.” Jake said. “You ever think about kids?”_

_Amy shifted slightly so that she was sitting upright her elbow resting on him. “Kids?” She asked her eyebrows furrowing together in the cutest way Jake had ever seen._

_“Yeah.” Jake said. “I know that we talked about it a while ago and decided to wait, but I feel like there’s never going to be a right time.”_

_“What are you saying?” Amy asked even though she knew exactly what he was asking her. She just needed to hear him say the words out loud._

_“I want to have kids sooner rather than later. I think you’ll be captain within two years. If anything I think now when you’re not captain is a good time to start.”_

_“I have actually been thinking about it.” Amy said._

_“Oh yeah?” Jake said._

_“Yeah. When I had to watch Emma last week all I could think about was wanting one. I actually got kind of jealous of Maria and Jose. She’s just so sweet. But you’re right, there is no perfect time.”_

_“So are you saying that we should to do this? Like right now?”_

_“Woah woah woah, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.” She said laughing. “Let’s just leave it up to fate, if it happens now it happens."_

_“Ohh I like the way you think Santiago.”_

_“Unless I’m in the nine nine I think you mean Peralta.” She said with a smirk that Jake then proceed to kiss of her face._

_“God, I love you so much”_

\--------

Jake sat down in his chair and sighed a breath of relief before feeling guilty. He shouldn’t be relieved that he doesn't have to be around Amy until later tonight. Something about that seemed wrong.

“Hey man! Welcome back.” Noah said sitting down in the desk next to his. “How was Seattle? Not going to lie I was super jealous. I've seen some of the chicks from up there. And woo.” He said making a dramatic motion to wipe his forehead.

Jake laughed feeling slightly awkward. “It was nice. I guess.” Jake said relaxing back in his chair. “I’ve got a lot of paperwork to catch up on though.”

“Sucks right? How was Amy? Was she excited to have you home? Erin is always real excited when I come back if you know what I mean.” Noah winked once at Jake. Jake never liked Noah, he was crude and dirty minded. At least when Charles said something obscene he had no idea he had done it. 

“We just took it easy.” Jake said. “Had dinner, caught up on tv, you know the usual.”

“That’s cool I guess.” Noah said. “Erin usually a bit frisky, gives me something to look forward to on the flight home. I feel bad that she always has to wait, but guys are different you know? We have needs that have to be meet.”

“Uh huh. Sure.” Jake said getting up. “I have to go talk to the captain about some paperwork.” He said leaving Noah behind.

“Peralta. Good. I was hoping you were going to come back here.” Captain Wilson said to Jake as he entered the office. “I take it Seattle was good?”

“Yes.” Jake said. “William and I had a good time I guess. We got all the work done.”

“Good.” Wilson said. “As you know you will have to go back out there in a week or so just to finish a couple of little things.”

“Of course.” Jake said leaving the office and closing the door behind him. Luckily Noah was no longer sitting at his desk so Jake was free to head back to his. He started doing his paperwork and smiled briefly when he glanced up and saw the picture of him and Amy on the cruise. He got it framed a couple of days after they got back. It was the first thing that was put on his desk when he started at the F.B.I. Things were simpler back then. Everything was black and white but now all he saw was shades of grey.

\------

_“Hey babe!” Amy shouted as he walked into the door. “How was the first day at the bureau?” She asked him with a wide smile on her face. He walked into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around her waist laying down and pressing a chaste kiss on her lips._

_“It was amazing.” He said stepping back to see what she was making. The chicken looked better than usual and way more fancy than he knew she could make. “Did Charles make this?”_

_“Damn it! Busted.” Amy said with a smile. Jake laughed as he sat down at the dinner table. Amy grabbed two plates and the chicken following him over there. “So tell me all about it.”_

_“Well, the captain is nice, he’s no Holt, but he’s still nice. I don’t have to wear a tie.”_

_“Of course that’s the part you would be most excited about.”_

_“You know it.” Jake said biting into the chicken. “This is really good.” Amy nodded in agreement. “The guy whose desk mine is next to kind of sucks. He’s like really gross.”_

_“Like how? Hygiene wise?”_

_“No. like dirty minded.”_

_That made Amy audibly laugh. “Says the guy who still makes sex tape jokes.”_

_“Those are good jokes! They’re tasteful.” Amy shook her head at him trying not to laugh. “But this guy, I swear he’s got his own Me Too movement coming. He’s that gross Ames. When I put down a picture of you, he told me you were hot and he would totally hit that. He even asked me for your number. When I told him you were my wife he just shrugged his shoulders.”_

_“Ew.” Amy said. “He sounds vulture level terrible.”_

_“Wouldn’t be surprised if they were related.” Jake said laughing slightly. “But luckily he’s not my partner. William, my partner, seems great. Really hardworking and dedicated. Honestly he reminds me a little bit of you when we first met. Maybe in seven years I’ll be kissing him in an evidence locker.”_

_“Ha ha.” Amy said. “So you had a pretty good day.”_

_“Yeah. I did. I think that I’m going to like it there. But enough about me, how was your day?”_

_“Well it was weird not seeing you there.” She said with a sad smile. “Charles came dressed in black again. Luckily Gina was there to make fun of him. But he definitely misses you. He's like a puppy dog whose owner left him to go on vacation. The only case I got was a B & E that was pretty open and shut. So it was a pretty good day I guess.”_

_“That’s cool.” Jake said. “I do miss seeing you through at work. It just feels strange.”_

_“Yeah.” Amy agreed. “But it’s okay. We’ve always got each other at home.” Jake smiled warmly at her and she her heart fluttered the same way it did all those years ago when he kissed her as Johnny and Dora._

\-----

Walking into the nine was like walking into a time machine. Except the time machine had royally fucked up and everything was wrong. It was like being in the right room at the wrong table. Amy was sitting in the Captain’s office. It had been almost two years now and he still wasn’t used to seeing her sitting in there. Terry didn’t work in that building anymore and Rosa and Charles were both out. He imagined that they were already at the party. There were a couple of new detectives who smiled and nodded at him as he made his way towards the office. 

He knocked once the door before opening it. She smiled slightly at him before finishing up her phone call and hanging up the phone. “You ready?” He asked.

“Yeah.” She said standing up and grabbing a couple of things out of her office. “I’m going to go change real quick. I can meet you back in the bullpen.”

“Okay.” Jake said following her out of the office. His old desk was empty so he sat down there. The wave of nostalgia that took over him made him want to vomit. It felt just like yesterday that he was sitting here pouring himself over some case trying to ignore the way he felt about the girl sitting across from him. He honestly believed that if he were to look up right now he would see her siting there looking at her computer and typing away on her keyboard. 

“Ready?” She asked him startling him slightly. He turned in his chair and let his mouth fall slightly open when he looked at her. It was the first time in a long time that he had seen her all dressed up. Her hair was down from the usual ponytail, it framed her face nicely and all he could think about was the way he knew it felt between his fingers. She was only wearing jeans and a blouse but he still couldn’t deny the way his heart beat faster. “Jake.” She said when he didn’t say anything back.

“Yeah. I’m ready.” He said getting up. The two of them walked to the elevator and stood in silence while waiting for it. Once they got on Jake turned to her. “How was your day?” He asked.

“Good.” Amy responded. “Busy but good. How was yours?”

“Same.” Jake said rocking back and forth on his heels until the elevator door opened. They made their way to his car, Amy getting into passenger seat. “I still think that you need to go back to driving a car.” She said now sitting in the passenger seat of his Suv.

“Eh. I like it. It’s more roomy.”

“I guess.” Amy said looking out the window at the passing scenery.

“I am going to have to go back to Seattle in a week. But I’ll only be gone for a week or so this time, not two months.”

“Okay.” Amy said not even turning to look at him. “That’s going to crush Charles.”

“Yeah.” Jake agreed parking the car at Shaw’s. Amy got out of the car and made her way over to him. She laced her fingers into his and he gave a small gentle squeeze as they walked into the bar.

“There they are!” Charles exclaimed throwing his arms around Jake. Amy dropped his hand as she made her way over to the bar to order a drink. Jake swore that his hand was on fire and he wanted nothing more than to burn it again and again. “I missed you buddy.” Charles said as he hugged Jake even harder. 

Jake returned the hug although noticeably less effective than Boyle. “I missed you too.” 

“Give him some space Boyle. What did we tell you?” Jake could hear Gina shout and almost instantly Charles let go. Amy came back over handing Jake a beer which he accepted gratefully. 

“How was Seattle? Was it dope?” Rosa asked him taking a swig of her own beer. 

“It was.” Jake said. The group made their way to the back of the bar grabbing a table in a dimly lit corner. Boyle ended up sitting next to Jake white Amy was across from him. 

“Did you guys go to Space Needle?” Gina asked.

“We did. William wanted to go. I thought I would be able to handle the heights, but as it turns out I could not. The glass floor was just too much for me.”

“Glass ceilings scare the shit out of me.” Terry siad. “I won’t let my girls anywhere near them. I feel like they can break so easily.”

Jake shrugged his shoulders. “I just didn’t like looking down and seeing how high up we really were. William loved it though. He’s a big fan of skydiving.” 

“Did you miss Amy?” Charles asked Jake. “You guys have been separated way too much. It should be a crime to separate America’s dream couple.”

“I did.” Jake said. He wasn’t lying he did miss her, just not so much while he was in Seattle. If he was being honest it was kind of nice to get away for a little bit. After the fight they had before he left, some distance was definitely needed. The way she had cried at his words chewed away at his heart while he was in the gate at the airport. But then on the plane he remembered how little she cared about his feelings as she screamed all those awful things to him. “Thought about her all the time.” he added outloud to the group.

“What about you?” Charles asked towards Amy. “If Genevine had left me for two months I would’ve lost my mind.”

“Yeah.” Amy said finishing off her drink. “I’m going to go grab another beer real quick.” She said before getting up and walking towards the general direction of the bar. Jake watched her go until he couldn't see her anymore. He then turned his attention to his group of friends who had started talking about some case. After several minutes when she hadn’t come back, he excused himself to go check on her. 

It didn't take long for Jake to spot her siting alone at the bar. She was staring down into her drink while stirring it with the straw. Jake sat down next to her and she glanced up. When she realized it was him she rolled her eyes and looked back down at her drink. “Ames?” He asked gently. “What’s wrong?” 

“I don't know.” Amy answered. “I didn’t miss you when you were gone, and I’m guessing that you didn’t miss me.” Jake flagged down the bartender and ordered himself a drink. “I mean what are we doing Jake?”

Now it was his turn to not know the answer. “I don’t know. Everything just feels so foreign and I can’t pinpoint the exact moment that it did. It’s like I woke up in some alternative universe. Like it’s the darkest timeline or something.”

Amy snorted. “Tell me about it.”

“What do you want to do?” Jake asked. 

“Drink.” Amy said taking a drink of her drink. “I just want everything to go back to normal.” She said although she wasn’t exactly even sure what was normal anymore. 

“I don’t know if everything can go back to normal.” Jake said. “We both have very different jobs now, things have changed. We don’t work together anymore.”

“When I got promoted to be a sergeant you said that things didn’t have to change. You said that you always knew I would be your boss.”

“Amy.” Jake said. “You’re not my boss anymore, and it never bothered me that you were. In fact I thought it was kind of hot.” He couldn’t help but notice the way she smiled slightly down into her drink. “I don’t know what changed, but something did. And honestly I don't think it's all on the jobs. I think something changed within us."

Amy nodded. Deep down inside she knew exactly when everything had changed but she refused to admit that. She had felt them pulling apart ever since and right now things seem to be at a pinnacle. “I think that we should see a marriage counselor.”


	2. Before Our Love Became A Hurricane

Jake sat down across from Amy at their kitchen table. Her laptop was open and she was typing away a million miles an hour. After several minutes of sitting there she finally looked up at him. “I think I found us a marriage counselor.”

Jake looked at her in shock. “Oh you were serious about that.” He remarked. 

“Of course I was serious about that.” Amy said mocking his voice slightly. “Things can’t stay like this Jake. It’s either this or divorce.” The room begin to spin at the thought of divorce.

“Okay so marriage counseling.” He agreed. “Who’d you find?”

“Her name is Mandy Simpkins.” Amy said glancing back down at her computer. “She’s very highly rated. According to her website ninety percent of couples who see her stay together and are happy.”

“Okay.” Jake said. “So what all is this going to mean? Just sitting down and talking about our feelings?”

“It’s an eight week program.” Amy said reading off her computer screen. “Each week will focus on a different topic. At the end of each session there will be homework assigned that will help reinforce the ideas discussed during the session.”

“Okay.” Jake said.

“On her website one person wrote ‘Dr.Mandy completely turned my marriage around. When we saw her we were beyond hopeless, I was two days away from filing for divorce, but I gave her a chance. I am so glad I did. After seeing Dr.Mandy my husband and I have been going strong ever since. We learned how to care for each other and not be selfish. Any time someone has a problem in their marriage I recommend Dr.Mandy.” Amy read. “They all say something to that degree.” 

“Okay.” Jake said. “Then let’s give a her a shot. Whatever we have to do.” Jake smiled at Amy reassuringly and for the first time in a long time she returned it.

**Two weeks Later**

Amy got out of Jake’s suv and slammed the door shut behind her. “We are late for our first appointment.” She said to him bitterly. “I told you that we needed to be ready to go by noon.”

“There’s not that much of a difference between noon and 12:10” Jake said as he followed his wife into the small office building. 

“Yes there is.” Amy said to him. “There is a ten minute difference, that’s six hundred seconds.

“Which is nothing!” Jake exclaimed. 

“Hi!” Amy said to the lady at the front desk. “We’re here to see Dr.Simpkins. It’s under Peralta.”

“Ah yes.” The woman said. “Follow me.” Jake and Amy followed her down a hallway with other closed doors until they reached the one that the woman opened and let them into. “You can make yourselves comfortable, Dr.Simpkins will be in momentarily.”

“Thank you.” Amy said as the door closed. Jake sat down on the couch immediately grabbing the rubix cube that was stuffed between the couch cushions. Amy sat down on the couch an entire cushion away from him. “God I hate being late.

“Wow. Way to point out the obvious.” Jake said twisting the rubix cube without any care as to if he was getting the colors aligned or not. 

The door opened and a middle aged woman came walking in sitting down in the chair in front of the couch. “You guys must be Jake and Amy.” She said extending her hand to each of them. “I’m Dr.Simpkins. How are you guys?” 

“We’re good thanks! How are you?” Amy asked politely.

“I’m good thanks.” Dr.Simpkins said. “So what brings you guys in here today?” 

Amy took a deep breath. “We’re having some problems.” She said. Jake sitting next to her dropped the cube between himself and the couch. He sat up straighter ready to show Amy that he was ready to fight for their marriage. Fight for her. 

Dr.Simpkins nodded once. “Okay well why don’t you guys tell me a little bit about yourself. What do you do for a living, where did you meet, how long have you guys been married, just simple ice breakers.”

“I’m captain of the 99th precinct in Brooklyn.” Amy said. 

“I’m a special agent at the F.B.I” Jake said with a slight smile. He still wasn’t used to hearing that. “We met at work a long time ago. We were both detectives at the nine nine.”

“So you guys were coworkers?” Dr.Simpkins asked. 

“Yes.” Amy said. “We got married about five years ago, but things have started getting hard probably within the last year.” She looked at Jake for confirmation and he nodded his head once. 

“Any kids?” Dr.Simpkins asked scribbling something down on her clipboard.

Amy looked down at her lap. “No.” Jake said. He wanted to reach out and take her hand but she was still mad at him and now didn’t seem like the time to fight about it. 

“Okay.” Dr.Simpkins said. “Before we get started I want to let you guys know that honesty is the most important thing in these sessions. Most of my clients have been able to make things work, but they were honest with each other. If you’re not going to tell the truth then there’s a really nothing that I can do for you.” Jake and Amy both nodded. “This first session is about happiness, it’s pretty light compared to some of the stuff we will get into. I’ll just ask you guys some questions and you answer honestly and we will work through some things together.”

“Sounds good.” Amy said smiling. 

“Okay, so the first question is what makes you most happy when not with each other.”

“I like to watch Die Hard.” Jake said. “I’ve been watching it since I was kid and it’s always made me happy. I also like to solve cases, anytime that I close a case I always feel really good. Um I also enjoy going out drinking with Boyle I guess. If he’s not being overtly sexual or asking me awkward questions.” He thought that he could see the brfiest hint of a smile on Amy’s face, but it was gone before he could tell for sure.

“Like Jake, I also feel really good when I solve a case. At home I like to do the crosswords in the newspapers. I like word searches, sudokus really anything that’s kind of brain challenging.”

“Okay good.” Mandy said. “So do you ever do those activities together?”

Amy scratched the back of her head. It was a nervous tick that Jake had picked over the years. When he told her about it she swore on her grave she didn’t do it. “We used to.” She said. “When we worked together we solved cases all the time. It was great.” She looked over at him this time with a very nostalgic smile. 

He returned the smile before speaking next. “We used to do some of the other things to. She would work on the crossword while I sat on my phone watching stupid animal gifs. Or she would pretend to watch Die Hard with me because she knew it made me happy.”

“Is there a reason that you guys aren’t doing these things together anymore?” Mandy asked still writing things down on her clipboard.

“I don’t know.” Amy said. “I don’t think we ever made a conscience decision to stop, it just kinda happened. I feel like we’ve been pulling apart all this time and we’ve just now realized that we’re standing apart the length of the grand canyon.”

That seemed to catch Dr.Simpkins attention as her head immediately shot up from where she was writing. “You really feel that far apart?” 

"Yeah." Amy said shrugging her shoulders.

"Do you feel like that was a slow thing that just kind of happened over time and you're just now realizing it?" Dr.Simpkins asked.

"Yeah. That's kind of why we're here. It's like everything has been slowly falling apart and it's just now gotten to the point where we don't know what to do."

"Okay." Dr.Simpkins said scribbling things down on her clipboard. “Do you care about each other’s happiness?”

\----

_Amy stood in line at the deli tapping her foot against the cheap linoleum. She had been here for almost a half hour and they still haven't called her number. New York sucked sometimes. Finally her number was called and she made her way towards the man. “Hi. Can I just get a cup of chicken noodle soup.” Sure she could’ve made it, but let’s be honest she’s never been the best cook._

_“Sure thing.” The guy said turning his back and getting the soup. He slid her the soup across the counter and she quickly hurried out of the deli and onto the freezing streets. The apartment was warm enough to fog her glasses as she walked in. The heat had been cranked all the way up since Jake had been complaining about being cold._

_The thermostat read eighty degrees, their heating bill was going to be a fortune this month. “Ames.” She heard Jake’s sickly voice call out from the couch._

_“Hey.” She said making her way towards him. He was laying on his stomach a blanket draped over him. “Are you still cold?”_

_“Yes.” He said. “Watch out for that bowl.” He said pointing to a bowl on the ground full of vomit._

_“Ew!” Amy exclaimed. “Jake!”_

_“Sorry.” He murmured. “I couldn’t make it to the toilet, didn’t want to get sick on the floor or anything.” Seeing him like this broke her heart. For Jake to call of a day from work said something about how bad it was. She ran her hand through his hair._

_“I’m going to put this soup in a bowl and you’re going to eat it. Then you’re going to take some medication and go back to bed. Got it?”_

_“Yes mom.” Jake said._

_“Don’t call me mom.” Amy said making her way into the kitchen. She dumped the soup in to a clean bowl and grabbed a spoon. When she came back to the living room Jake was sitting up the blanket still wrapped around his shoulders._

_“I feel like shit.” He said as he started to eat the soup. “I’m sorry that you have to deal with this.”_

_“Don’t apologize.” She said “Everyone gets sick sometimes. I’m glad that I can be here to help.”_

_“I love you.” Jake said._

_“I love you too.”_

\-----

“I definitely care if Amy is happy.” Jake said snapping Amy back to reality. “That’s part of the reason that I’m here. I want to be a better husband for her. Plus I love her and don’t want to lose her.”

"That's great that you want to get better for Amy, Jake. But it's also really important that you want to fight for this relationship. You should want to be here because you want to be a better person for yourself." Dr.Simpkins said.

"Yeah. I do. Amy just makes me want to be a better person. She always pushes me to do my best."

"Good. We can all use a person like that." Dr.Simpkins said chuckling a little bit to herself. "So Amy do you care about Jake's happiens?"

"I defiantly do." Amy said. "Recently though it feels like we don't really care about each other anymore which is kind of scary to me."

“How so?” Mandy asked.

“Sometimes during the heat of the moment when we’re fighting some things are said that are hurtful. I don’t know about Jake but I always regret saying them the second they leave my mouth.”

“As do I.” Jake agreed. 

“Can you give me an example?”

“I called him an incompetent dick one time.”

“And I called her a heartless bitch. But we both apologize the next day and then we just to try to forget about it.”

“That’s not a great way of dealing with these kind of things. You two need to learn to be able to realize that an argument is getting heated and recognize that it may be better to just walk away.” They both nodded their head in agreement. “Next question, I guess it kind of ties in, do you ever find that you two bring each other down?”

There was a moment of silence while each considered her question. Amy looked over at Jake and he could tell that she was slightly nervous. “I’ll guess I’ll go first.” Amy nodded. “I’m a little OCD, and sometimes when you tell me to calm down it’s a little hurtful. Things that mean nothing to you, mean a big deal to me. Like being late for example.” Amy turned so that she was looking directly at him. “I know it can be a little much sometimes, but I need a clean organized environment to function. So when you leave your shirts all over the bedroom and shoes in the entry way, and then act like it's no big deal, that's kind of hard for me.

Jake nodded once. “I'm sorry, I had no idea.”

“What about you Jake?” Mandy asked. “Is there anything that Amy does that tears you down.”

“Our brains work very differently obviously.” Jake said and they both laughed slightly. “I need to be constantly moving. I like spend nights in the precinct until a case is finished. I have a really hard time sleeping when there’s an open case sitting on my desk. So sometimes I find it annoying when you tell me to sit still or take a break, cause I just can’t do that.” 

Amy nodded in understanding. “I’m sorry too.” She said looking into his eyes for the first time in a long time. Lately she had been scared to look, terrified that she was going to see the love draining out of them.

"Do you ever tell each other that you feel this way?" Dr.Simpkins asked.

"No." Amy said. "I can't really think of a time where I have mentioned it."

"Me neither."

"Next time you feel that way, say something to each other. Just telling the other person how you feel can go a long way." Dr.Simpkins finished scribing stuff down on her clipboard before she looked up again. “Alright this one is a little easier. “What so far has been the happiest moment of your marriage. Jake looked down running his tongue over his teeth from the corner of his eye he could see Amy doing the same thing.

\-----

_Jake was sitting at the table drinking coffee when Amy walked in the door. “Hey babe.” He said without looking up from his phone. “Where’d you go? I hate it when you leave in the morning on our day off. You know I like to snuggle up for way too long.”_

_“I know.” Amy said sitting down across from him at the table. “But I had some more pressing things to take care of.”_

_“What could possibly be more important than cuddling up with you very sungglable husband? I was even going to let you be the little spoon.”_

_“That’s sweet.” Amy said to him with a smile on her face. Jake smiled back although he was still annoyed that she just got up and ditched him._

_“Seriously where’d you go though?” Amy didn’t say anything as she slid a wrapped box across the table. “Shit.” Jake said. “It’s not our anniversary, it’s March. Uh.” Jake said scramblin his brain for anything he could be missing. First kiss was in May, first date was in My, anniversary was in May, come to think of it May seemed to really be their month. “It’s not my birthday is it? I don’t want to get any older Ames.” Jake whined._

_“Just open the box Jake.” Amy said cleary growing impatient although even she couldn’t hide the smile of how adorable it was that Jake was so worried he had forgotten something._

_Jake gave her a skeptical look as he started to peel back the wrapping. Underneath was an amazon box with their address as the label. Seeing it addressed to Amy Peralta warmed his heart. He pulled open the box and saw what was inside it. A book titled ‘Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook For New Dads.’ “I don’t understand.” Jake said looking between her and the book._

_“Surprise.” She said holding up a positive pregnancy test._

_“Wait is this real? Are we really having a baby?” Amy nodded and Jake was immediately on his feet wrapping her in the biggest hug. “Oh my gosh. I can’t believe this.” When he pulled away he had the biggest smile on his face. “How far along.”_

_“About a month.” She said. “It’s a girl.”_

_“Oh my gosh I’m having a daughter.”_

_Amy started at him in disbelief for a second before laughing. “Jake. It’s way too earlier to tell. I was just messing with you.”_

_“Oh right. I totally knew that. Because science.”_

_“God you’re such an idiot.” she said as she stood on her tiptoes and pressed a kiss against her lips. “I’m so glad that you’re my baby daddy. At least I think you are, I guess we’ll find out when she gets here.” Jake pulled away from the hug to look at her a look of concern on his face. “Oh. My. Gosh. You are so gullible.” Amy said erupting into laughter._

\-----

“When Amy told me she was pregnant.” Jake said. Amy was still staring at the ground refusing to look at him. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy period.”

“What about you Amy?” Dr.Simpkins asked Amy making her look away from her feet. “Probably when I found out I was pregnant. Maybe when he proposed. I don’t know our wedding was pretty great. There were a lot of really great moments at the beginning.”

“So what about now, what has been the best moment recently.” Amy looked backed down at the ground. Nothing was coming to mind and the one thing that was she knew she couldn’t say. When she glanced over at Jake she could tell that the same thing was going through his mind. “Anything really.” Mandy continued. “It doesn't have to be huge, it could be something tiny and insignificant.”

“This is going to sound horrible.” Jake said and Amy wondered if he was going to say the same thing that she was thinking. “But I was the happiest I’ve been in a long time, when the plane to Seattle was taxiing down the runway.”

“I felt that way when I left JFK after dopring him off.” Amy agreed and Jake sighed the slightest breath of relief. He felt guilty about feeling that way, but at least she felt the same way. 

“Okay. That's really not good.” Mandy said scribbling things down on her piece of paper. "The happiest part of your marriage should never be when you're away from each other. Why do you feel that way? "When we're around each other I always feel very stressed. I find myself wondering what the next argument is going to be about." Amy said. "Same." Jake said. "I'm terrified of making the smallest mistake, cause I don't want it to turn into a full blown argument later." "That's bad." Dr.Simpkins said. "You should feel safe around each other and not have to feel like you have to walk on egg shells. “This is the last question. “What can each of you do to share in each other’s happiness?”

\------

_“Ames?” Jake asked walking back into the apartment carrying a box that was delivered from Amazon that was addressed to him. “What’s this? I didn’t order anything recently. Should I call bomb squad? Is somebody trying to have us killed?”_

_Amy was laying on their couch, one arm dangling holding the remote while the other was resting on her growing baby bump. “I don’t know babe, bring it in here.” Jake walked the package to her and crouched down in front of her not daring to move her legs off the couch, he got yelled at last time. “You’re head is blocking the tv now.” Amy said as she took the package out of his hand examining it for a second a confused look on her face. “Oh!” She exclaimed excitedly. “I know what this is! You can go ahead and open it, it’s addressed to you.”_

_“Okay” Jake said making his way to the kitchen. He grabbed a pair of scissors and cut the tape on the box quickly unfolding the cardboard flaps. He pulled out a light green baby onesie with the words “Poopie-Ki-Yay, Mother!” on it. Jake smiled so widely down at the article of clothing. He would later deny it, but there were definitely tears pulling at the corner of his eyes._

_Jake walked back into the living room still clutching the onesie in his hand. “I think that I just fell in love with you all over again.”_

_“I’m glad you like it.” She said. “When I saw it, I knew there was no way that I was going to be able to pass it up. I actually even looked into having one custom made with -oh what was it that Charles always said?” She asked. The pregnancy brain was starting to drive her insane._

_“Yippie kayak other buckets.”_

_“That’s it!” Amy exclaimed clapping her hands together once cracking up laughing. “The only thing he got right was the Yippie”_

_“I know. I have failed him as a best friend.”_

_“You really have.” Amy said smiling at him._

\-----

“What do you mean?” Amy asked.

“You should feel happy when the other one is happy. Happiness should kind of rub off. So when how do you share in Jake’s happiness?” 

Amy looked over at Jake and he could tell that she was still feeling uncertain, so he took it upon himself to answer first. “After Amy won the medal of valor for saving that group of girls who were being sex trafficked, we went to a really nice dinner afterwards just the two us to celebrate her. I had a great time.” Amy smiled at the memory of that night. It was before everything had gotten so bad. 

“I guess that week we went on the cruise right before you transferred to the F.B.I.” Amy said. “I had a great week and it was nice seeing you so happy.” Jake smiled back at her feeling the warmth spread in his heart.

“Good.” Dr.Simpkins said glancing down at her clipboard once. “I think what’s going to be key for you guys is communicating and listening to each other. To me it sounds like a bunch of these problems could be solved by simply sitting down and having a conversation. When you do have a conversation though, it’s important to acknowledge the way the other one feels. If you go into it with the an attitude of ‘oh I’m right and they’re wrong’, then there’s really no point.”

Jake and Amy both nodded their heads. “So for next week, I want you guys to have at least one real conversation a night. Put away the phone, turn off the tv, and just sit and listen to each other. I don’t care if it’s so simple as “How was your day?”’

“Jake’s leaving for Seattle two days from now.” Amy said sounding more irritated than she meant to. “He’ll be gone for a week.”

“Okay.” Mandy said. “Well then get on the phone and call each other. Or if you’re feeling really optimistic facetime each other. But do more than just text, it’s important to actually hear each other’s voices. Will you be back in a week for the next session?” She asked Jake.

“Yeah.” Jake said. “It’s only five days.”

“Good.” Mandy said before standing up. “Well it was a pleasure to meet you both. I look forward to seeing you in a week.”

“Thank you.” Jake and Amy both said before making their way outside to the parking lot. “Thank you for coming to this.” Amy said to Jake as she got into the suv.

“Of course.” Jake said getting into the driver seat. Back at home the two of them ate dinner in front of the tv talking about nothing in particular. Eventually they made their way to bed. Tonight Jake was the first one in bed. When she laid down next to him and turned her back to him he sighed to himself. “Ames.”

“Yeah?” She asked still not turning around to face him. 

“Can we do this. Please.” 

“Do what?”

“Talk?”

Amy turned around so that she was facing him. She looked into his eyes and swallowed the wave of guilt that passed through her stomach. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize.” Jake said.

“I do.” Amy said. “I dragged you that that session so the least I can do is be an active participant in the work that has to be put in.” Jake nodded and waited for her to continue speaking. “I want to stay together, I really do.” Amy said. She reached out and took his hand, goosebumps shot up his spine in an instant. “I still love you. Just like I did when I said ‘I do’”

“I do too.” Jake said. “I don’t want to lose you. I don’t think that I could live with it.”

“I don’t want to lose you either Jake. I can’t even begin to imagine a life that’s not with you. But things are not good right now, even you have to agree.”

“I do.” Jake admitted. “Things just feel strange. I don’t feel like we’re clicking the way we used to.”

Amy nodded. “I think that Dr.Simpkins is right, we need to talk before things become too intense. We should be able to talk to each before it gets to the point where we are shouting over the other to be heard while throwing insults at each other.” She stopped talking to yawn. “Will you call me while your in Seattle?”

“If you want me to.” Jake said. “Ames I would’ve called you before, but every time I did you just seemed annoyed and I didn’t want to fight over the phone. Especially with the way we left things.”

“That still keeps me awake at night.” Amy said a frown crossing her face. “I shouldn't have said any of that.”

“It still bothers me too. If I could go back, I would play things so differently.” Amy smiled at him sadly and he returned the gesture. She caressed the back of his hand with her thumb. “I really am sorry that everything has gotten so fucked up somehow.”

“Me too.” Amy said. “But I think that we’re both kind of to blame. It was unfair of me to put it all on you when I also have my own skeletons in the closet.”

Jake nodded yawning himself. “Should probably go to bed.”

“Yeah.” Amy agreed. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” He whispered back as she dropped his hand. 

Two days later he was standing outside security at JFK, his backpack slung over his shoulder. William had already gone through security and was probably already at the gate. “Promise me it’s all in the past.” Amy said in a question tone. The amount of worry in her voice made his heart break in half.

“I promise. As long as you promise me?”

“It won’t ever happen again.” Amy said blinking a couple of times. If Jake didn’t know any better he would say that she was trying to blink away tears. And maybe she was, but not because she was going to miss him. He knew that once again when the plane started to taxi away he was going to be able to sigh a breath of relief. 

“Likewise” Jake said. He glanced towards the ever growing line at security. “I should get going.”

“Okay.” Amy said stepping forward and wrapping her arms around him. She buried her head into his chest as he wrapped his arms around her inhaling the scent of her daisy perfume. This was the Amy he missed. “Be safe.” She said as she pulled away and this time he knew that she was crying as she wiped a tear away.

“Hey.” Jake said reassuringly reaching out to wipe the tear away with the pad of his thumb. “It’s going to be okay. I promise. I’ll call you every night and we can have one real conversation.” She nodded her head the tears still falling down her cheeks. “And when I get home we can go back to Dr.Simpkins and keep working on this. We’re going to be fine. I love you and nothing is going to change that.”

“I love you too.” She said before remembering that she was standing in the middle of a very crowded airport and if she stayed here much longer she was going to end up balling her eyes out. “You should go, I don't want you to be late.” She said smiling slightly.

“Yeah.” Jake said. “I call you okay?” Amy nodded as she watched him walk away. It was strange to Jake the way the second he entered the security line he felt a weight being lifted off of his shoulders.

Amy watched him walk away from her. She stayed where she was standing until she couldn’t see him anymore. When she turned around to start walking back towards her car she felt an odd sense of peacefulness wash over her. She brushed off what deep down she knew that it meant. They were going to make this work.


	3. Here Comes The Rain Again

True to his word Jake called Amy every night. Some nights she called him first, but regardless they talked no matter what. It was always over the phone and usually lasted for at least an hour. Having some distance make things seem easier. It was easier for her to tell him how she really feels without his puppy dog eyes making her want to cry. 

So as she stood at baggage claim waiting for him, she felt undeniably nervous. It was a different kind of nervous then when she had picked him up a week ago. Then she had no idea what to expect. Honestly she was half surprised he had even come home at all after what she had said to him.

Jake waved to her when he saw her standing there. She smiled and waved back. “Hey.” She said when he was in ear shot. He wrapped her up in a hug the same way she had when he left a week ago.

“I actually missed you this week.” Jake said smiling down at her. 

She looked at the floor smiling as a blush crept her way to her cheeks. “Don’t say it like you’re so surprised." She joked with him "But I actually missed you too. The bed felt just a little too cold.”

“I’m sorry I had to leave again, but it should be the last one for a while. There’s nothing on the calendar at least.”

“That’s good because I want to get through these eight weeks.”

“Of course.” Jake agreed as they walked out of the apartment. “How has the nine nine been?”

“Bout the same.” Amy said. 

“Does Charles have any idea that we’re struggling?” Jake asked wincing at the word struggling. He never would’ve thought that word would describe him and Amy. He wished that he could go back in time to when he swore he would be the best husband ever. In a way he feels like he’s failed her.

“I don't think so.” Amy said. “If he has then he hasn’t said anything to me. Which would be shocking for him.”

“That would be.” Jake said laughing slightly. “When is the next session?” Jake asked.

“Tomorrow morning.” Amy said.

“Okay.” Jake said.

\-----

Later that night Jake was fast asleep when he was awoken by Amy’s arm being slung over him. “Ames?” He asked. She shifted closer to him burying her nose in his side while being careful to not actually put her head on his chest. “Ames?” Jaked asked again a little louder. Her grip on him tightened a little so he returned the gesture by wrapping his arms around her.

“It’s okay.” He whispered running a hand through her hair. She used to have night terrors all the time back when they were dating and had first gotten married. The kind where she would thrash around in her sleep, wake up screaming, unable to breath. They had gone away after a little while and it made it much easier for Jake to sleep at night knowing she was okay. “I’m here.” he whispered to her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“You died in Seattle. The first time you left. That was the last thing that I said to you. It’s the one I have the most now.”

“The most now…” Jake said trailing off. “They came back?”

“Shortly after you left.” She said now crying into his side. He couldn’t help but let a few tears drip down his cheek.

“I’m sorry.” he said internally beating himself up. “I should’ve been here.”

“You had to go.” Amy said shuffling a little bit more so that her head was now rested on his chest. His steady heartbeat had always helped in the past. “Work is work.” She said. “You would’ve wanted me to go if things had been reversed.”

Jake nodded his arms tightening around her. “Well, I’m here now and I’m not leaving any time soon. I’ll be here when you wake up. I promise.” Amy nodded finally allowing herself to close her eyes now that she was in his warm embrace.

“Thank you.” She whispered.

“Any time.” He whispered back.

\----

The next morning, they didn’t talk about. That seemed to be the case with most things for them. It was as if it had all just been one dream. That was the way Jake was starting to feel about their relationship. A daydream that turned into a nightmare in the blink of an eye.

They didn’t talk about anything really as they drove to Dr.Simpkins. Even siting her in her office, the silence was becoming unnerving. Finally Dr.Simpkins walked in. “Hello.” She said pleasantly a smile plastered on her face. “How are you guys today?”

“Good.” They both said in unison sharing a slight awkward smile with each other. Jake would’ve given anything to be able to pick her brain. Maybe if he could, he could see exactly what was wrong with their marriage. 

“That’s great!” She said. “Did you guys have at least one real conversation a week?”

“We did.” Amy said. “I think it went pretty well. Sometimes things even felt as if they were back to normal.”

Jake nodded along. “Most of them were over the phone, but we were on the phone for at least an hour every time.”

“That’s great.” Mandy said. “I’m glad that you both seem open to working towards something better. Today’s topic is going to be on stress and how that affects your marriage. I find that with a lot of my clients stress is a big issue in each relationship. “So to start what do you each find most stressful?”

“Work.” They both said at the same time. 

“That makes sense giving each of your occupations, so what in particular about work stresses you out? Is it the workload, the nature of the cases, the danger that comes with the job?”

“For me it’s the nature of some of these cases.” Jake said. “I think that hardest ones are when there’s a missing child. You’ve got a hysterical mom and an angry dad screaming at you when you’re on their side. And I get where they’re coming from, it’s a horrible situation, but it becomes really stressful when you know the clock is ticking.”

“When I was a detective I definitely felt that.” Amy said. “But now that I’m a captain I think that majority of my stress lies in management. I knew it would be stressful, but I don’t think that I was prepared for exactly how much stress.”

“Do you guys talk to each other when you start to feel overwhelmed with work?” 

“We used to.” Jake said. “When we were both detectives there were countless nights that we would be up until three a.m. working through leads together.”

“It always seemed to help when I had someone there to kind of balance may crazy. Knowing that he was feeling the same way I did took a lot of off me sometimes.”

“So why don’t you guys still talk when you start to feel that much stress?” Mandy asked. 

“Well.” Amy said grimacing slightly knowing how what she was going to say was going to come across. “With the captain stuff, I don’t really feel like Jake understands. He’s never been a captain. We used to talk about it when I first got promoted, but talking never made it better. In fact sometimes I would feel worse.”

“I still do talk to Amy sometimes about casses I get if they are any good, but after a while I kind of got the sense she didn’t want to hear about them.”

“And why’s that?” Dr.Simpkins asked pushing her glass up on her nose.

Jake let out a deep breath. “Correct me if I’m wrong.” He said looking over at Amy. “But when I would talk about these cases, I always got the feeling you were kind of sad. Like you missed being out in the field every day and solving stuff. I didn’t want you to not love the job that you’ve worked so hard to get.”

“You’re not wrong.” Amy said. “Sometimes I do miss getting a case every day. But that was wrong of me to stop you from talking about yours. Especially since I know how much you love talking about cases.”

“Thank you.” Jake said. “If you wanted to talk to me about captain stuff, I could listen. May not have an answer, but I could at least listen. You could also go to Holt. I’m sure he would love to help.” Amy smiled and nodded at him. 

“Good. See you guys have already made so much progress from when you first walked into my office.” She said with a smile on her face. Jake smiled at Amy and she smiled back. Dr.Simpkins was right, it honestly felt like they had turned over a new leaf in just a single week. “Alright the next question is, can you guys come home to each other after a stressful day and feel better?”

\-----

_Amy walked into their apartment dropping her bag on the floor not even bothering to pick it up. “Hey!” She head Jake call out from the couch. He was way too happy. “How was court?”_

_“Awful.” She said making her way over to where he was sitting. He scooted over giving her room to sit down. She threw herself down in the couch in defeat resting her head in his lap staring at the tv. “I hate Sophia.”_

_“Oh, she was there?”_

_“Yeah she was there.” Amy snared as Jake ran a hand through her hair._

_“I take it you did not win.”_

_“No.” She pouted. “Cause Sophia is evil. He definitely killed that guy and she knows it. She just doesn't care.”_

_Jake nodded once. “Well it’s all over now. Tomorrow will be a new day.”_

_“I guess.” She said. “Still kind of sucks. You wanna order food?” She asked standing up off the couch and making her way to where what seemed like thousands of menus were magneted on to their fridge. “Italian or Thai?”_

\-------

“Used to be able to.” Amy said. “Now though going home almost makes the stress worse.”

“I agree.” Jake said. “If I’ve had a bad day I actually dread going inside. I sit in my car and just know that when I go in there I’m going to feel worse.”

“I’m sorry.” Amy said to him with a sad smile. “I feel the same way and that’s terrible that we were both feeling this way.” 

“Thank you. And I’m sorry too.” Jake said feeling a warm fuzzy feeling taking over his heart. 

“You guys are fantastic.” Dr.Simpkins said. “Next, do you stress each other out?”

“Sometimes.” Amy said looking over at Jake. “Really anytime you’re out in the field I get nervous. I find myself getting so anxious about hypothetical situations. I think it’s gotten worse since you transferred to the F.B.I. At least when you were at the nine nine I knew where you were at all times.”

“I agree.” Jake said. “I think that you being captain has also added a little stress to me. Sometimes I have these nightmares where someone is out to get you and they come after you. It’s pretty scary to me.”

“It also makes me anxious sometimes when you don’t follow proper protocol. I’m find myself scared that you’re going to get too caught up in a case and wanting to do it alone that you may not call for backup or something stupid like that.” Amy said. 

Jake bit his tongue to keep from saying some things that he doesn't really mean. He took a deep breath and tried to compose himself before speaking. “I get that. I don’t always use my brain. But sometimes you don’t either.” He added. “And that makes me very anxious.”

“You both have very stressful and high demanding jobs, so it can be kind of hard sometimes.” Mandy said. “But other than work do you find yourselves stressed out around each other?”

“Only when we’re fighting.” Amy said as Jake nodded once. “They can get pretty ugly sometimes and then it’s just awkward and strange.”

“I almost find it more stressful after the fight. I feel like there’s always this ticking time bomb over our heads counting down to the next time we’re going to hurt each other.”

“That’s not good.” Dr.Simpkins said. “Nobody should ever feel like that in a relationship. Hopefully you two can learn how to help each other with stress. What are some ways that you were able to do that in the past?”

\-----

_“Ames.” Jake said crouching down in front of Amy. “Breath for me. Please babe.” He put his hand on her back steadily. “Come on. You can do it.” Amy’s breathing kept getting harder and harder until she was gasping for air. “I’m going to go get you some water.” Jake said. “I’ll be right back.”_

_Just as he got up to leave Amy grabbed onto his arm hard enough to bruise. “Do-don-don’t-” She choked out still clutching his arm for dear life._

_“Okay.” Jake said cautiously sitting back down. “I’m not going to leave you okay. I’ll be right here. But you need to breath for me. Can you do that?” Amy nodded her breaths still uneven. “Alright follow mine okay. In one.” He said taking a deep breath. He watched as she tried to follow what he was doing. “You’re doing great” He said placing the hand on her back. “Out two.” He said. Under his hand he could feel the way her lungs let out all the carbon dioxide._

_“Good.” He said. “Let's do it again. In one.” He took a deep breath and held it for a second. “Out two.” He watched her closely when he noticed that her breathing was almost back to normal he asked “Do you want to talk about it.”_

_Amy took a deep breath without him and exhaling trying to ignore the way the evidence locker walls were closing in on her. “You’re going to make fun of me.” She said when she was finally able to talk._

_“I guarantee you that I’m not.” Jake said to her smiling reassuringly. “If it was enough to make you go through all this.” He said gesturing his hand to the general area of the evidence locker. “Then it’s not nothing, and I’m not going to laugh at you for it.”_

_“Thomas got shot today while he was out on duty.”_

_“You weren’t there were you?” Jake asked._

_“No.” Amy said. “I was here. But I heard about it over the radio. It was bad Jake. I really didn’t think he was going to make it.”_

_“I’m sorry.” Jake said. “I’m sure that’s stressful being a sergeant and having one your officers shot.”_

_“It’s not just that.” Amy said. “He reminds me so much of you. Like it’s kind of scary. You should see his desk, it’s littered with toys and garbage. He’s even got a rubix cube.”_

_“So it scared you because you couldn’t stop thinking about if it was me?”_

_“Yeah.” Amy said kind of sheepishly._

_Jake responded by pulling her into his arms and lightly rubbing her back with his other hand. “Why did you think I would make fun of you? That’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”_

_“I know.” Amy said with tears starting to trickle down her face. “It just seems so stupid. It wasn’t you who was shoot. I should've be worried about him but I couldn't stop thinking of you.”_

_“Hey!” Jake said. “Nothing you think is stupid. Ever. There’s nothing wrong with thinking about yourself or someone else during a time like this. You remember when Rosa responded to that active shooter? Well Terry changed his life insurance policy that day. So there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you’re feeling.”_

_“What did I ever do to deserve you?”_

_Jake lightly kissed the top of her head. “Is what I ask myself every day.”_

\------

“In the past I always feel like just being near each other was always enough to get rid of any stress I had.” Amy said. “Just being around him usually helped. Honestly even before we were dating made everything seem a thousand times better.”

“We used to always cuddle up on the couch, or the bed. We’d kiss and do...other things. I agree with had Amy said about being near each other but once we got together I think there was also a physical piece that helped me at least.” Jake said.

“Have you guys ever considered trying those methods again?” Dr.Simpkins asked.

They each were silent for a second before Amy turned to Jake. “I guess we kind of cuddled last night.”

“Yeah that’s what I would consider that.” Jake said. “Did that help you? I thought that you went back to sleep fairly shortly after that.” 

“I did. So yeah I guess it helped. I don’t know it was kind of...nice.” She looked down feeling her cheeks grow slightly red. This was her husband for heaven's sake she shouldn’t be embarrassed to admit that she liked the way he held her. 

“It was.” Jake agreed smiling at the way she blushed. This was the woman he fell in love with. 

Dr.Simpkins checked her watch realizing they were almost out of time. “Okay so for next week I want you guys to identify and eliminate stress triggers in your relationship. I know you can’t do anything about work, but the things at home you can change. Also for couple who fight I like to have them do what I call ‘leave it for Sunday.’. Basically you put off having an argument until Sunday night, and you’ll find that come Sunday night you won’t have anything to argue about. It puts all of your problems in perspective. If you can’t do that, then hug or hold hands, any sort of physical contact while you fight. It should make it harder to be angry.” 

“Okay.” Amy said “thank you.” the two of them got off the couch and headed out of her office. “Have a great week.”

“You too.” Dr.Simpkins said as Jake and Amy started walking down the hallway towards the car. 

“I thought that went pretty well today.” Amy said as they reached the car. 

“I did too.” Jake said smiling at her from the driver's seat. “I think that we’ve come along way. I don’t know about you but I feel like things are starting to look up.”

Amy smiled at him for a second before turning towards the window. “Me too.”

\------

They were laying on the couch together when Amy finally found the nerve to ask. They were cuddling and Dr.Simpkins said they were less likely to fight if they were in physical contact. Time to find out if she was right. “Jake?” 

“Hm?”

“What did you mean earlier?”

“When?”

“When you said that I sometimes don’t use my brain when in the field?” Amy felt Jake noticeably stiffen. 

“Uh.” Jake said his brain spinning a million miles an hour. “It doesn't matter. Don’t worry about it.”

Amy pulled away from him and he reached to grab her back but he wasn’t able to in time before she was up off the couch. “Do you blame me?” She asked her voice rising an octave. She wanted to sound tough but he could tell that she was afraid. When he didn’t answer she asked again. “Do. You. Blame. Me. Jake.” The fear was gone this time and Jake swore he felt his blood freeze. 

“No. Amy how could I blame you?” He asked getting up on his feet. 

“I blame myself, so why wouldn’t you blame me too?” Amy asked wiping a tear off her check. “I know you do. Of course you do. How could you not?”

“I don't blame you, and you shouldn't blame yourself." Jake said standing up from the couch.

"I don't believe you." Amy said her voice rising filled with anger. Jake put his hands up in the air in a surrender like motion.

“What about leave it till Sunday?” He asked in the calmest voice he could muster under the situation. “She said our perspective might have changed by the end of the week, so let’s wait and have this argument Sunday.”

Amy laughed at that. “Any other argument and I would agree, but I know this will still be here on Sunday. I’ve been wanting to ask you ever since and now I finally am and you’re not going to shut me down. I want to know.”

“Amy!” Jake screamed at her way louder than he meant to. “This is a lose lose situation. I tell you I do and you’re pissed I tell you I don’t and you claim that I’m not telling the truth.”

“Do I need to get out a fucking polygraph for this?” Amy yelled at him. “I can tell when you’re lying. Just tell me the truth and this can all be over.”

“Amy.” Jake said walking towards her his voice far calmer than he felt. “I don't blame you. At all. It is not your fault. The fact that you think this is your fault or that you think I think this is your fault breaks my heart. I’ve assigned the blame to a lot of different people, but your name was never never in the mix. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t Sarah’s fault. It was just bad timing.”

“And a bad decision.” Amy added looking at the ground.

Jake took a deep breath. “Yes.” He admitted. “It was a bad decision. But that does not mean that you’re at fault.”

“Yes it does!” Amy yelled at him. “It’s all my fault. If I hadn’t left then we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now. It’s my fault.” They were both crying at this point standing in silence her words hanging over them. ‘“I think you should leave.” She finally whispered barely audible yet so loud he thought his ears were going to bleed.

“Ames. No. Please.” He said walking towards her. She let him put his arms around her although she didn’t return the hug. 

“I can’t do this tonight.” She said her arms still hanging loosely by her side. “You should get a hotel room or go to Charles’s I don’t care just anywhere but here.”

“Please.” Jake said begging her to reconsider. “We can talk this out, we can do it, I believe in us.”

“I do too.” Amy said. “Which is why I’m asking you to leave. I don’t want to fight.” Jake let her go his eyes stained red from the tears. He imagined they looked an awful lot like hers right now. 

“Promise I can come back?” Jake asked.

“I promise. Just tonight.” She said as she turned her back on his walking into their bedroom and closing the door behind her. There was a small part of him that wanted to just sleep on the couch. What if she had another nightmare? But he knew that she wasn’t going to stay in there all night. And even if she did, when she came out the next morning she would be pissed that he didn't do what she had said. 

So he grabbed his phone and a charger before heading out of his apartment and to the nearest hotel. There was no way that he was going to let Charles see him like this. There would be a million questions that Jake was never going to answer.

The hotel was nice and the bed was comfortable but he still missed Amy. He wanted to be laying in his bed next to her right now. He wanted to be there with her reassuring her a thousand times that it wasn’t her fault. Even if she did make a stupid mistake. 

He didn’t even try to stop the loud sobs that escaped from the back of his throat as he soaked the cheap hotel pillow. None of this was fair. He missed his wife and she was only five miles away from him. He missed the person that he was when she agreed to marry him. He missed the way things used to be back before everything got so complicated.


	4. Call Out My Name And I'll Be On My Way

Jake called Amy the next morning at least three times before she finally picked up. “Stop calling me.” She said into the phone. To his relief the anger in her voice from last night seemed to have disappeared.

“Sorry.” Jake said his voice way smaller than he expected it to be. “I just wanted to know if I can come home. Checkout is at eleven and I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

The other end of the line was silent and Jake found himself holding his breath. Finally the sound of her voice came across the static. “Yeah, you can come home. But I don’t want to talk about it. I can’t fight with you right now Jake.”

“Okay.” Jake said. “I promise we don’t have to. We don’t have to fight.”

“Okay.” Amy said. “I’ll see you soon then.” She said before hanging up the phone. Jake made his way out of the hotel and back to their apartment. Their apartment was warm and smelt like burnt cookies. 

“Hey!” he shouted as he walked back to the bedroom to try and find her. He knocked once on the bathroom door.

“Come in!” She shouted. Jake hesitantly opened the door and walked into the bathroom. The shower was running and the bathroom felt a hundred degrees warmer than the rest of the apartment. Even the mirror was covered in the steam. “Hey!” 

“Hi.” Jake said wiping a section of the mirror clean so he could see his reflection. He looked like a trainwreck. The stubble on his jaw was making him look far more jagged than he had previously thought. His hair was a mess from not taking anything with him to the hotel. 

“I’m sorry that I kicked you out last night.” He heard Amy say. “That may have been a slight overreaction.”

Jake threw his hand in the air to brush her comment off. “I was in the wrong Ames. You had every right to kick me out. If the roles were reversed I probably would’ve asked you to leave too.”

“Tomorrow is your mom’s birthday, you should probably go and get a card.”

“Oh shoot!” Jake said. “I’m going to go do that real quick. Thank you.” He said before leaving the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. As he changed into a fresh pair of clothes he could hear the subtle sound of Amy singing in the shower. 

**One Week Later**

Sitting in Dr.Simpkins office it was amazing to Amy how much closer together they were sitting. Their knees were practically touching and Jake’s hand was absent mindedly rested on her's. A few weeks ago and that never would’ve happened. “You sure we’re good?” Jake asked as he rubbed circles on her knee. She was sure that he had no idea that he was doing it, but it was all that she could think about. Him touching her now felt just as new as it did that night of the first date.

“Yeah we are. It’s all good.” Amy said just as the office door opened. The three exchanged casual greetings before getting it into the actual session. 

“This week is about trust. Trust is a very important aspect of any relationship. So do you guys trust each other?”

\-----

_“Jake this is insane!” Amy said standing on the edge of the cliff. The water below looked so blue that Amy couldn’t believe that it was a real. Surely it was a picture that had been enhanced._

_“Oh come on!” Jake whined. “It will be fun. I promise.”_

_“No it will not be. That water is probably freezing!”_

_“So?” Jake asked a smirk on his face. “It’s like a hundred degrees out here. I’m dying.”_

_“Then you jump.” Amy said._

_“And let my wife walk all five miles back down to car all on her own? I don’t think so.”_

_“What you don’t think I could take care of myself?” Amy asked tilting her head and playfully quirking her eyebrow._

_“Oh I no you could take care yourself. I mainly just don’t want to have to wait for you at the car.”_

_“And the truth comes out.”_

_“Think about how much fun this will be.” Jake said to her. “You can tell our kids all about the time that dad talked you into jumping off a cliff and how much you would have regretted not doing it.”_

_“If I jumped I think it would be more like ‘don’t ever listen to your dad. He once talked me into jumping off a cliff and it was the biggest mistake of my life.”_

_“Wait?” Jake asked. “You’re telling me the biggest mistake of your life isn’t dating me right after I told you I wanted to do things romantic stylez?” She knew he was joking and making fun of her, but he was right. Looking back, not chasing after him that tonight was one of her bigger regrets in life. “Do you trust me?” He asked her._

_Amy was silent as she looked at him. “Yes.” she said after a moment her voice deflating with defeat. “Unfortunately.”_

_“Then trust me and jump off this cliff with me.” He reached is hand out for her and she hesitantly took it interlocking their fingers together. “I promise it will be fun.”_

_“We’ll see.” Amy said her heart begin to beat faster in anticipation._

_“Ready?” Jake asked. “Count to three and jump?”_

_Amy nodded. “Don’t let go of my hand.”_

_“I won’t.” Jake said. “One. Two.” He took a breath. “Three.” He said before the two of them jumped off the cliff plummeting downwards until they each hit the water. Amy surfaced first taking a deep breath before hysterically laughing. “What’s so funny?” Jake asked as he came to the surface of the water._

_“That was ridiculously fun and now I have to admit that you were right.”_

_“The horror.” Jake said swimming over to her. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him. “See if you trust me more often you would have way more fun.”_

\-------

“I do.” Amy said. “Even after everything I still do trust you.” She said looking over at Jake a smile on her face.

“I’ve always trusted you too. Honestly even from the moment I met you I trusted you.”

“I don’t know if I would go that far.” Amy said with a slight laugh. “I feel like over the years you somehow gained my trust. I didn’t realize it was happening and then one minute boom I would trust you with my life. I guess I feel the same about how I feel in love with you. I didn’t realize it was happening until I was already drowning.”

“So Amy why did you not trust Jake when you first met him? Mandy asked.

“He was a little bit of a mess. Everything was just kind of all over the place. You should’ve seen his desk.”

“So he was almost childlike.”

“That would be a major understatement.” Amy said with a slight laugh.

“And Jake you said that you’ve trusted her since you met her. Why was that?”

“She’s smart, well put together, was a bit of a suck up to bosses. She reminded me of those girls in highschool who always sat in the front row. And as annoying as they might have been, you knew that they weren’t going to screw up and if they did they would own up to it.” 

“So would you consider yourself a person who trusts people too easily? Maybe even to a fault?” Mandy asked

Jake was quiet for a minute. “Yeah probably. I’ve never thought about it but yeah. My dad has abandoned me so many times but every time he comes back I find myself giving him the benefit of the doubt.”

“Were you young when your father left you for the first time.” Dr.Simpkins asked and Jake nodded his head. Amy wanted to reach across and take his hand. Yet her hand stayed where it was. “Do you feel like that’s given you abandonment issues that you’ve carried into this relationship? Fears that Amy may wake up and decide to leave you just like your father did?”

Jake felt something in his chest clench and his throat became dry all of sudden. All he could do was nod his head. He swallowed hard looking for the right words. “Yeah maybe.” He said after a moment. “I do have those thoughts a lot.”

“But you trust her?” Mandy asked. “You trust her not to just decide to leave you tomorrow morning?”

Jake looked over at Amy whose eyes were filled with concern. “Yeah. I don’t think that she’s going to leave me without any warning.”

“I wouldn’t.” Amy confirmed. And this time she did reach out and take his hand.

“Good.” Dr.Simpkins said. “Trust can kind of come in waves. There can be times where you don’t trust someone but then slowly you start to trust them again. Have you guys ever gone through a non trusting phase?”

“There's definitely been moments.” Jake said taking a brave step and talking first. “I know that you’ve gone through my phone.” He turned on the couch so that he was facing his wife. “And I’ve gone through yours.”

“Why did you feel the need to do that?” Dr.Simpkins asked.

“Well.” Amy said speaking first this time. “I was a little worried that maybe something was going on when he was traveling. He was constantly gone going from city to city, never home. I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable to think that something might have happened. I felt bad as soon as I did look though.” She turned on the couch to face Jake as well. “At the time after I looked I thought there was no way something could happen. Not you and your past with your dad and stuff. I felt kind of bad that I didn’t trust you enough.”

“Did you have any actual reason to suspect that there was something going on?” Dr.Simpkins asked. “Did he ever give you a reason to not trust him while he was away.”

“There were little signs.” Amy said. “Occasionally I thought that I smelt another girl’s perfume. When he came home he never really seemed interested in me. On a credit card bill one time there was a sangaria, which I can’t see you drinking.”

“So did you confront Jake on this or did you just jump straight to conclusions and go through his phone?

“The latter.” Amy said looking down at the ground almost embarrassed. “I should’ve asked him, but I was afraid of what he would say. It was easier for me to just find out the answer for myself.”

“Had you asked him do you think he would’ve told you the truth?”

Amy played with the wedding ring on her finger. She ran her tongue over her teeth thinking about what would’ve happened if she just asked. “No.” She said after a moment. “I think that he would’ve tried to deny it for as long as he could’ve.”

“So you didn’t really trust him.”

“No.” 

Dr.Simpkins noded writing a couple of things down in her notes. She glanced back up at Jake. “What about you, you said that you went through her phone. Why did you feel the need to do that?”

Jake was quiet for a minute trying to come up with the best way to phrase what he wanted to say. “Like you said earlier I guess that I just kept waiting for the day when she would tell me she was going to leave me. In my mind it didn’t seem far fetched for her to go out and find someone better.”

“You were driven to go through her phone more by insecurity rather than actual evidence that something might have happened.”

“Yeah.” Jake said softly.

“Do you see why that could maybe be a problem in a relationship? Your insecurities convinced you that you didn’t trust her.”

“I did trust her though.”

“I know.” Dr.Simpkins said. “But you still went through the phone showing that there was the slightest bit of worry there.” Jake nodded. “I’m assuming none of you found anything?” They both shook their head. “Good. That will make the discussion about faithfulness two weeks from now much easier.” Jake and Amy both shared worried looks with each other before returning their focus back towards Dr.Simpkins. “Is there anything you can’t trust each other with?”

\-----

_“Amy baby!” Jake called out as he entered their apartment. Amy made her way in from the living room to greet her husband. Both his arms were lined with bags that he quickly dropped onto the counter. “The grocery store was a nightmare!’ Jake said. “All these people thinking that they are going to be snowed into their apartments.”_

_“We also supposed to get almost six inches.” Amy said opening the first bag of groceries and putting things away where they belonged._

_“They always say that we’re going to get way more than we are.” Jake said. “It probably won’t even mist.”_

_“It’s misting right now.” Amy said. “Why are you so opposed to snow. Maybe we can cuddle up by the fireplace, watch Die Hard.”_

_“I hope it snows an entire foot.”_

_“Your such an idiot.” She said laughing as she opened another bag. Looking down into it though she frowned at its contents. “Jake? What’s this?”_

_Jake jumped off the counter from where he had been sitting and grabbed the bag. “Oh!” he exclaimed “My candy bars. Cool! I asked them to leave them all out, but they told me they couldn't leave out ten Hershey bars.”_

_“You bought ten chocolate bars?” Amy asked anger in her voice. “What the hell? How much did they cost?”_

_“I don’t know.” Jake said throwing his arms in the air. “I didn’t look.”_

_“Where’s the receipt?” Amy demanded holding her hand out to him. It took Jake a minute to fish the receipt out of his pocket. He handed it to her and she neatly unrolled it. “How? How?” she said almost in disbelief._

_“What?” Jake asked. “Were they expensive? They had the little yellow tag on them, so I thought that meant they were on sale.”_

_“You were buying groceries for two of us and you somehow managed to spend a 150 dollars. When I go I spend 70 dollars max.” her eyes scanned down the receipt. “Two boxes of Lucky Charms, three packages of Chips Ahoy, Capri-Sun? What are you nine?” She asked him her eyebrows furrowing. “Jake this isn’t okay. We can’t just spend money like it’s nothing.”_

_“I know.” Jake said. “But food is a necessity.”_

_“It is not necessary to have the name brand food. The off brand tastes just the same and it’s way cheaper. Also we don’t need three boxes of cookies. And ten chocolate bars each costing two dollars. That’s twenty dollars in chocolate alone.”_

_“I’m sorry.” Jake said._

_Amy sighed. “It’s not your fault. I’m the one who gave a ten year old a credit card and let them go to the grocery store alone.”_

\-----

“Money.” Amy said. “I can’t trust you with money.”

“That’s fair. I’m pretty bad at spending it.” Jake said.

“Does that stress you out that you can’t trust him with money?” Dr.Simpkins asked Amy.

“Sometimes. It’s hard when we’re saving up for something, such as a new car or for a while we thought we were going to buy a house. So it’s a little stressful when he goes to the mall or the grocery store and just buys whatever he wants.”

“Have you ever told him that?”

“Yeah.” Amy said annoyed. “Plenty of times.”

“Did you ever try to change that or get better about not spending money excessively?” Mandy asked Jake.

“I tried. But a lot of times I would forget until I got home. It’s really hard for me to not be an impulse buyer.”

“Did you think about how that made Amy feel?”

“Not until I got home and she started yelling at me. Then I swore I would be better but never really did.”

Mandy nodded writing a couple of things down on her paper. “Empty promises can kind of destroy trust as well. Is there anything that you can’t trust Amy with?” She asked Jake.

“Cooking. She’s a really bad cook.”

Amy laughed smiling over at him. “That’s true.”

“But um stress smoking.” He said more seriously. 

“You smoke?” Dr.Simpkins asked Amy.

“Trying not too.” She said. “Only when I’m really stressed.”

Mandy noded returning her attention to Jake. “Why don’t you like it when she smokes?”

“It stinks.” he said. “It’s bad for you lungs, which worries me for down the road. But also you keep telling me that you’re going to stop and then never really do.”

“I do!” Amy interjected. “I don’t smoke as often as I used to, I’m down to like one a week.” She wasn't down to one a week and they both knew it.

“But you were at none.” Jake said.

“What is it that usually stresses you out enough to smoke?” Dr.Simpkins asked cutting the two of them off before the fight could escalate.

“Work.” Amy said. “Being a captain is pretty stressful. Sometimes it’s Jake.” She said pretending to not notice the way he winced. “It’s hard sometimes.”

“How?” 

“When we fight, I find that really stressful. Sometimes just the little things, shoes left in the doorway. New stains on the brand new couch.” 

“So Jake has asked you to quit.” Amy nodded. “Did you try?” She scratched the back of her head not saying anything. “So no.” Mandy said nodding and writing something down on her paper. “Do you think that Jake feels the same way you do when you ask him to stop spending money excessively but continues to do it.”

Amy pursed her lips together. “I never thought about it but yeah.” 

Dr.Simpkins glanced down at her watch. “Unfortunately we are almost out of time. I think you two think that you trust each other. But deep down I don’t think you do. You want to believe that you do, but you don’t. Which is a problem. The best way to build back up trust is being honest with each other. Don’t make empty promises anymore. If you promise to do something then follow through. Take responsibility for your actions. Consider the way the other person feels. This week for homework I want you guys to trust falls at home. It’s kind of elementary but it does work. I’ll see you guys next week.”

\------

Jake threw back another beer before slamming the bottle down on the table. “Woah man take it easy.” Terry said.

“Liquid courage.” Jake replied.

“Liquid courage for what?” Charles asked. “Is Amy finally pregnant again?” Jake winced at the word again before flagging down the bartender.

“No.” he said taking another drink of his beer. “The exact opposite. Well I guess not the exact opposite.”

“Jake what’s going on. Don’t get me wrong I’m always down to go to a bar and hang out, but I’m missing quality family time for this.” Terry said.

“We’re having marital problems.” Jake said before he had a chance to cowardly back down. The gasp that came from Charles made him take another drink of his beer. 

“Oh.” Terry said sitting down in the seat next to him. _“Oh.”_

“Yeah.” Jake said staring straight ahead.

“But. But. But.” Charles said his mouth hanging open. “How?”

“I don’t know.” Jake said still staring straight ahead. “I feel like it was only a matter of time. She realized that she wasn’t happy and that she could do a thousand times better.”

“Don’t say that.” Terry said. “You’re great to her. I’m sure that you’ve been a great husband.”

“Clearly not.” Jake said. “If I was then why would be here?”

The three of them were silent for a minute until Terry spoke. “Sharon and I went through a rough patch once.”

“So did me and Genevieve.” Charles added. "and obviously me and Eleanor." Charles said before realizing that wasn't a good example.

“Were you in marriage counseling?” Jake asked. 

“No.” They both said. “But there’s no shame in being in marriage counseling.” Terry said. “That just shows that you both care enough to try and make it work. But what do you think happened? You guys always seemed so happy.”

“I don't know.” Jake said honestly. “I’m not sure there was _one thing._ I think that it’s a lot of things that just kept piling on.”

“That’s rough man.” Terry said taking a drink of his own beer. 

“Did you know that she blames herself?”

“For you guys falling apart?” Charles asked. 

“No. For Abigail.” The two men were silent neither knowing exactly what to say. Even Charles who always had an opinion about them took a drink of his beer and said nothing. 

“That was just a really unfortunate situation.” Terry finally said. “But it wasn’t her fault.”

“That’s what I kept telling her but she refuses to believe me. She even kicked me out of the house saying that she didn’t want to talk about it. I just feel like everything's falling apart around me way too fast to clean up. The floor is falling out from under me and I can’t catch my breath.”

“I just can’t believe this.” Charles said breaking his odd silence. “You guys are perfect for each other. I’m sure that you’re going to be able to make it work.”

“That’s what I’m worried about. What if if we can’t make it work. What if she leaves me. I can’t live without her. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I can’t lose her.” Jake said looking towards the corner of the table refusing to make eye contact with the other two men. “But drink?”

\-----

“I’m just afraid that he’s going to leave.” Amy said to Kylie who was sitting on her couch. “He would be so much happier with someone else.”

“What?” Kylie asked not believing the words that were coming out of her friends mouth. “What drug are you on? Have you seen the way he looks at you? He’s not going to leave you. I bet he’s terrified that you’re going to leave him though.”

“Why would I leave him?” Amy asked. “This is all just so complicated. I want to stay together I want to be happy again. But I can’t ask him to stay here like this. We’re miserable Kylie.”

“Maybe you were. But look at how far you’ve come since seeing Dr.Simpkins.” Amy nodded. The progress they’ve made was kind of remarkable. Sure they still had their ups and downs but they were learning how to work through them. “I think every relationship is going to have its moments of doubts.”

“I don’t know what I would do if I lost him.” Amy said. “I keep imagining having to watch him be all happy with someone else. I’ve never thought about it before, but right now all I can think about is how his ex-girlfriends must feel. Do they know exactly what they lost out on? Cause it would kill me.”

“Amy.” Kylie said. “You’re not going to lose him unless you want to. I think that you have all the power over whether or not you guys stay together. He’s not going to leave you.”

“I don't want all the power." Amy remarked before adding. "Do you think that he feels this way?” Amy asked.

“I don’t know.” Kylie said. “This is kind of a radical idea but maybe you should ask him.”

“Thanks.” Amy said weakly.

“I’m glad I could help.” Kylie said as she got up off the couch. “But I’m going to go.” She made her way to door and they each said their goodbyes before Kylie disappeared down the hallway.

Amy was sitting on the couch for maybe five minutes when she heard keys in the lock, then the sound of Jake coming into the apartment. “Oh good! You’re still awake.” He said when he saw her still sitting on the couch. “I wanted to do some of those trust falls.”

“Me too actually.” Amy said standing up and making her way towards him. 

“Do you want to fall first?” Jake asked and Amy nodded turning her back towards him. Jake put his arms up so that he was ready to catch her. “Whenever you’re ready.” He said.

Amy stood there for a second. He was going to be able to catch her, there was no way that he was going to let her hit the floor. She closed her eyes tightly and leaned back until she was falling. His strong embrace caught her before she hit the floor. A part of her wanted to just stay there like that forever. Him holding her, protecting her from falling on the floor. But alas she she stood up. “You’re turn.” she said.

He turned his back on her and she held up her arms. He fell backwards a lot quicker than she had and she caught him before he hit the ground. They did the exercise several more times before finally calling quits. “Are you ready to go to bed?” She asked and he nodded. 

She laid down in their bed and turned to face him when she felt him climb in. “I'm really glad that we’re trying to make things work.”

“Me too.” Jake said reaching out across the mattress and taking her hand.

“Where were you earlier?” She asked a bit of hesitation in her voice.

“I was out drinking with Terry and Charles. Sorry, I left a note on the counter, but you probably didn’t see it.” Amy shrugged once glad that there was a reasonable excuse as to why he disappeared and she could smell alcohol on his breath. “I did however tell Charles that we’re having issues. So he is probably going to be a blast tomorrow at work.”

Amy laughed slightly. “You just had to tell him didn’t you?”

“He was going to find out eventually.” Jake said smiling at her. “I figured it’s now or later. Why not just rip the bandage off.”

“I guess there’s some truth to that.” Amy said holding back a yawn. “I’m going to go to sleep, gotta get up early in the morning.”

“Same.” Jake said. “Goodnight. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Amy said shutting her eyes and quickly falling asleep a small smile on her face.


	5. Tell Me You Love Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For whatever reason the flashback about the car will not go in italics so sorry about that :(

“This week’s session is about intimacy.” Dr.Simpkins said. “Most couples find that this is the hardest topic because some of these issues are kind of personal as the word implies.” Jake and Amy both nodded waiting for the first question. “So we’ll start of pretty easy, do you feel like you can talk to each other about anything?”

“I do.” Amy said looking at Jake. “I can’t really think of anything that I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to you about. I mean I’ve even talked to you about girl things which I don’t think most husbands would do.”

Jake laughed. “It wasn’t my favorite thing in the world to talk about but if you wanted to talk about then I was going to listen. I feel like I’m able to talk about everything with you too. I’m a pretty closed off person emotional wise and I feel like you’ve kind of been able to break down some of those walls and get me to open up.”

“Why do you think you're a closed off person?” Dr.Simpkins asked.

"I don't know." Jake said. "As a kid I always bottled everything up. Didn't want to a burden on my single mother."

"Why not? Most people feel comfortable talking to their mother's about their problems."

"She was a single mom." Jake repeated. "She was always busy and trying to provide for me. It felt unfair to whine and complain about something when she was working her ass off. Plus I whined and complained when my dad was around and look where that got me."

"Do you feel as if your dad left you because you were a burden?"

"As an adult I know that it wasn't about me, that it was more about him not wanting to be tied down. But there still is this little part of me that does feel that way. The same little part that never left that little boy stage of life."

"But Amy's been able to break those walls down and get you to open about things while feeling safe."

"Yeah." Jake said. "Definitely. It's actually crazy to me sometimes how open I am with her."

“That's good. You guys should be able to talk to each about anything. That will help to eliminate some arguments. Next, when you’re talking to each other do you feel as if the other is listening?”

\-----

_Jake was sitting at the kitchen table when Amy walked into the apartment. “Hey.” She said sounding far more defeated than she meant too._

_“Hey baby!” Jake shouted back from the table his eyes never leaving the papers spread out everywhere. “How was your day?”_

_“Terrible.” She said as she started boiling water to make tea. “You know Sarah, that beat cop officer that was always filing evidence wrong?”_

_“Yeah.” Jake said his eyes still trained on the papers._

_“She got promoted to detective and she’s horrible. I don’t know who promoted her, but there had to have been someone else.”_

_“Mmhm.”_

_“She’s trying to get better though, I’ll give her credit. She asked me today to go out to the field with her and then while she did the paperwork she asked me twenty questions to make sure she was doing it all right.”_

_“That’s good.”_

_“Yeah. I think that she’ll be okay after she gets used to the fact that we do things differently. Charles doesn't like her, she kicked him off his case. He was the primary and she pretty much took over. Not dissimilar to you.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“So then I had to spend the rest of the day trying to calm Charles down while explaining to her that she couldn’t just do whatever she wanted. But I think she got it, like I said she’s trying to get better. Can you talk to charles though? You used to steal his cases all the time and he never cared._

_“Yeah.” Jake said. Amy looked up from her tea to where her husband was seated head buried in papers around him._

_“Are you even listening to me?”_

_“Mhmm.” Jake said._

_“Oh my gosh.” Amy said storming over to the table and grabbing the paper he was currently consumed in. “you didn’t hear a thing I said did you?”_

_“I heard you talking about Sarah.” Jake said looking proud at himself._

_Amy rolled her eyes sighing. “I’ll be in the living room. Come in there when you’re ready to actually listen.”_

\-----

“Sometimes not.” Amy said. “I think that you just get too caught up in what you’re doing that you don’t realize that there is somebody else talking.”

“I agree with that.” Jake said. “But I think that the same can be said about you. There have been times when I’ve tried to talk to you about something but you’re not listening.” Amy nodded. 

“What is it that the two of you get too caught up in to listen to each other?”

“Work.” They both said. “Jake usually brings home case files, even though he’s not supposed to, so usually when I try to talk to him it feels like he’s too invested into the case.”

“You do the same with management things.” Jake said to her. “It may not be cases, but I feel like there is always something that you’re working on instead of listening. I mean sometimes you do it even with the crossword.”

“Do you sometimes feel like works takes a priority over your relationship?” Dr.Simpkins asked. “Either one of you can answer.” She added after minute where neither had said anything.

“Sometimes.” Jake said. “You’ve always been a career driven person, which I respect, but sometimes it does feel like you put the job ahead of me.”

“I’m sorry.” said “I didn’t know that you felt that way.”

“Do you ever feel that way?” Dr.Simpkins asked Amy.

“More recently yes.” Amy said. “There was a time when I never would’ve thought that, except for on halloween, but now yes.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“Bad.” Amy said. “Even worse know that I know he felt the same way. I kind of felt almost invisible when he was too busy working on cases.”

“I’m sorry too.” 

“Okay so that goes back to communication.” Dr.Simpkins said. “Talking to each other and finding out how the other feels is really important. You had no idea that you were both in pain feeling the exact same way.” They both nodded in agreement. “Okay next question is where things may start getting uncomfortable. How often do you have guys have sex, or really any kind of intimate activity?” 

There was an awkward silence between Jake and Amy as they each thought about the question. “Well recently not very often.” Amy finally said. “But it used to be at least once a week.”

“Do you know why you stopped or did it just kind of happen.”

“I was traveling a lot.” Jake said. “So we weren’t seeing each other nearly as often as we used to. And when we were together, there was always some reason not to. Too much work right now, too tired, there was always some excuse.”

“Was this ‘excuse’ on one side or did you both feel that way?”

Once again there was an awkward silence for a moment. “I mean I would definitely have liked to do it more. But when Amy said no I wasn’t going to pressure her into doing anything.”

“There were days when you had just gotten home that I would’ve liked to, but you always said you were too tired. It was always maybe tomorrow night, but tomorrow night never came.” Amy said. 

“Once again communication.” Mandy said writing something down on her clipboard. “It sounds like you both wanted to have sex, you just didn’t know how to tell the other.” they both nodded their heads glancing over at each other. “Why is that? Why were you afraid to ask each other?

“I was afraid that she would directly come out say no. That she would say that she didn’t want to which in my mind would translate to she doesn't want me.” Jake said.

“It scared me a little bit.” Amy said. “We weren’t really talking at all, and sex before had always been so...nice.” She grimaced slightly. “Before it was always very intimate, done out of love and desire. Not pure lust. So I was afraid that if we did, it would just be for an orgasm and nothing more.”

“That’s valid.” Dr.Simpkins said. “Both of those are very valid. But if you voiced those concerns than you could’ve worked with each other to make sure that wasn’t what it was about. For homework I want you think to think about what you each can do to make your relationship more intimate. And when you come up with that thing do it. Also make sure that you’re still having at least one real conversation a night. Maybe even throw in some trust falls if you’re feeling optimistic. I’ll see you guys next week!”

\------

“Do you want to go out tonight?” Amy asked Jake who was laying on the couch watching tv. “We can go that steak house that you love.” 

Jake sat up from where he was laying down. “Arrowhead?” He asked excitingly.

“Yeah.” She said. “I’m not sure why you love it so much and it costs way too much, but we can go there. Let’s just go do something tonight.”

“Okay. Yeah.” Jake said standing up making his way to their bedroom. Amy followed him looking through dress after dress while Jake quickly grabbed a pair of khakis and the first dress shirt he found. “Will this tie match?” He asked holding a pink tie up to a light blue shirt. 

“I guess, but a dark blue tie will look better. Or the pink tie and a white shirt.” Jake nodded looking through the dresser until the found the navy blue tie. She quickly grabbed a purple dress off a hanger and made her way to the bathroom.

Jake quickly got dressed and then went out into the living room to wait on Amy. He sat on the couch and flipped through animal gifs. Ten minutes later Amy walked out of their bedroom and into the living room. Jake’s mouth fell agape looking at her. “You look...stunning.” He said. He was at a loss of words for how gorgeous his wife looked right now standing in front of him in a form fitting purple dress, hair lightly curled.

Amy cheekcs grew slighly pink as she looked down at the ground. “Thanks. You don’t look too bad yourself. Are you ready?” Jake nodded and the two exited the apartment heading towards the steakhouse.

Arrowhead was surprisingly crowded for a Tuesday night. They had to wait twenty minutes to get a table of two. But finally they got seated at a booth in the back of the restaurant with dim lighting. Jake smiled at her as he slid into the seat across from her. 

They each sat there for a second, Jake bobbing his head to the beat of the silence.”Sorry.” Amy said after a moment. “I think I’m feeling a little awkward.” 

“Yeah me too.” Jake said pursing his lips together. “How do we make it not weird?”

“I know let’s get super drunk.”

“Ah I like your style.” Jake said as he flagged down the waitress ordering four shots for each of them.

After one shot Amy finally asked him “Why do you like this place so much? The steak is abysmal at best. And it’s way overpriced for what it is.”

“True.” Jake said. “I don’t know I always liked it though.”

“Not good enough.” Amy said shaking her finger at him before drowning her next shot. “It’s not that big of a deal. Remember you can tell me anything.”

Jake looked at her as if he was trying to figure out whether or not she was telling the truth. “Yeah okay.” He said drinking his next shot. “My dad used to take me here every once in a while to celebrate big occasions. Like birthdays, that is if he remembered. I don’t know,I just like being back here sometimes, feeling like that happy kid.”

“Jake that is so depressing.” Amy said way too loud and Jake smiled at her. 

“I guess. I mean it’s not as sad as it used to be now that I have a new family. But I like the steak here.”

“That’s cause you have cheap taste.” Amy said and a couple of people looked over at her. “Their pretty bad steaks, but since you like them I'll go with it.”

“Okay, why don’t we get you another shot to get rid of loud Amy.” Jake said smiling slightly at the people that were looking at them before nudging another shot glass in Amy’s direction.

“Good call.” she said downing the little glass. The two quickly found their way into conversation. It came far more natural than either would’ve expected given the current situations. All Amy could think about was how close she might be to losing him. “I don’t want you to leave again.” She said after the steak was set down in front of her. Jake looked up at her with worry in his eyes. “I know that when you transferred we knew it was going to be more travel, but I don’t think it all really clicked in my brain.”

“I shouldn’t have to leave again for a while. But if something comes up as of right now I do have to go.” Jake said running a hand through his hair as a nervous tick.

“I know.” Amy said. “And it’s unfair of me to bring it up now, but like Dr.Simpkins said we should try to be more honest with each other and I don’t want you to _leave._ ”

Jack reached across the table and took her hand. “I don’t want to _leave._ ” He said. “But you know I’m kind of afraid that you’re going to _leave._ ”

“Why would I?” Amy asked. “Jake I’m not going anywhere. I think that we’re starting to get back into a good place.”

“I do too.” Jake said looking down at his steak for a second. “Sometimes though I worry that you’re not going to be happy in the long run. Maybe this is your chance to get out.”

“Get out?” Amy questioned. “You’ve got it all wrong, if anything this your chance to _‘get out’/ _. I’m not going to lose you. The only way you’re getting away from me is if you chose to. And I’m praying that you don’t.”__

__“I’m not going anywhere.” Jake said smiling at her and she smiled back. “But we should get going, they probably want to give this table to someone else.” He said gesturing to their empty plates._ _

__“Right. Good call.” Amy said quickly downing the last shot before getting out of the booth and following her husband out into the parking lot. “It’s freezing out here.” Amy said huddling up behind Jake’s back trying to find any sort of warmth as they waited for their car from the valet._ _

__“Here.” Jake said shrugging off his coat and wrapping it around her shoulders. He then put his arms around her pulling her into his side. She held the jacket closer to her resting her head on his shoulder._ _

__“Thank you.” She whispered to him her arm warped around him._ _

__“Anytime.” Jake said as the valet pulled around the suv. Jake opened up the passenger door for Amy before going around to the driver’s seat._ _

__“Do you ever think about selling this and going back to a car?”_ _

__“No.” Jake said. “Not yet at least. Guess I’m still holding out a little bit of hope.”_ _

__Amy nodded glancing over at him. “Maybe eventually.”_ _

__\-----_ _

___“How about this one?” Jake asked standing next to a bright red suv. Amy walked around the car once surveying every little thing she could see from the outside._ _ _

___“It was pretty highly rated from the binder.” Amy said stopping in front of the window sticker. “It’s pretty loaded actually. It’s got a rearview camera, lane detection, blind spot detection. Oh it even has heated seats in both the front and the back.”_ _ _

___“Noice.” Jake said opening up the driver door._ _ _

___“What are you doing?” Amy hissed at him. “You’re going to get the sales person on us faster than lightning.”_ _ _

___Just as Amy said that a sales person in an electric blue t-shirt came running up to them. “Hi are you guys interested in this Jeep.”_ _ _

___“Yeah.” Jake said looking at all the buttons on the steering wheel. “Do you by any chance have the keys?”_ _ _

___“I can go grab them real quick.” the guy said before disappearing. Amy opened up the passenger door and climbed into the passenger seat._ _ _

___“This is really nice.”_ _ _

___“Right!” Jake exclaimed as the guy came running back out with the keys and Jake quickly turned on the car. “It’s even got navigation, I’ll never get lost again.”_ _ _

___“Do you care if we take it for a test drive?” Amy asked the sales person._ _ _

___“Not a problem. I just need a copy of your driver’s license.” Jake handed him the license and waited until he came back with it. “You guys are good to go.”_ _ _

___“Thank you.” Amy said as Jake shut the door. “This car is amazing.” She said once she knew he wouldn't be able to hear her._ _ _

___“It drives really nice too.” Jake said as he pulled out of the parking lot and onto the main road. Amy glanced in the rearview mirror and tried to picture what it would be like in just a short few months when their daughter was sitting back there. “Why is this thing beeping at me?” Jake asked._ _ _

___Amy looked at the dashboard that was currently lit up. “Because you’re too close to that lane over here.”_ _ _

___“That’s really helpful actually.” Jake said as he centered himself back in the lane. “I feel like these blind spot detectors are also a great thing. Can never be too careful.”_ _ _

___“They are nice. Do you want to pull over somewhere so we can look at the back seat without the sales guy breathing down our neck.” Jake nodded quickly finding a parking lot to pull over in._ _ _

___Amy opened up the back seat door and climbed in. “It’s really spacious back here.” She said. “Which is good because I’m sure that we’re going to be hauling a lot of shit around.”_ _ _

___“Language Ames.” Jake said. “Abigail can hear you.”_ _ _

___“Sorry.” She said rolling her eyes at her husband. “What do you think? I kind of think this is the way to go.”_ _ _

___“I don’t know.” Jake said. “I really like the way it looks and I love the color. It certainly has enough safety features.”_ _ _

___“Then what is the problem?”_ _ _

___“If we buy this car then it’s proof that this is really happening. We’re really having a baby, we’re really going to be family.”_ _ _

___“Yeah Jake.” Amy said slightly annoyed at his indecisiveness. “We’re really going to be a family.” She pointed down at her stomach that was growing bigger and bigger day by day._ _ _

___“I know. It just feels so surreal to me. A part of me can’t believe this is happening. Like sometimes I’m terrified that I’m going to wake up and be that same detective who was in love with a girl who would never love him back.”_ _ _

___“Your drastically overthinking this.” Amy said. “It’s a car. We’re buying a car. I don’t have time for your parental freak out right now, save it for five months.” She wrapped her arms around her husband planting a soft kiss on his lips. “Also why did you think I would never love you back. That’s the most insane part of your entire ramble.”_ _ _

___“I love you.”_ _ _

___“I love you too. But I would also would really love to buy this car so we can go home and sit on the couch for hours.”_ _ _

__\------_ _

__Amy was sitting on the edge of their bed taking off her heels when Jake came back into the room. She watched him kick his shoes off and neatly put them in the closet where they belonged._ _

__She watched him slowly begin to untie the tie around his neck. “Wait.” She said standing up now barefoot. “Let me.” She walked over to him and put her hands around his neck slowly taking the tie off while keeping eye contact._ _

__She was standing close enough to him to feel his warm breath tickle her face. It had been a while since she had seen his face this close up, and now she could see the little lines of stress from the new job. Every little knick on his neck where he had cut himself shaving. She watched him swallow hard, her eyes wandering back up to his face until they came to rest on his lips._ _

__Before she even had a chance to think, she was standing on her tiptoes and his lips were crashing onto hers. His hands found their way into her hair and she started playing with the hairs on the back of his neck. She pulled him down closer to him her tongue running over his teeth as he opened her mouth up to her._ _

__“Can we?” She asked gesturing slightly towards the bed. Jake groaned and picked her up in his arms before dropping her on the bed. He crawled up towards and slowly began kissing his way down her neck. He focused on the spot he knew she loved for a minute before moving back up and kissing around her ear._ _

__“I missed you. So much.” He whispered his breath hot and sending shivers down her spine. Her hands scratched at his back until he got the hint and started undoing buttons. She helped him trying to be patient enough to not rip off his shirt._ _

__Finally he threw it across the bedroom. She ran her hands up and down the skin that she used to know so well. He had more abs than he used to and there was a new scar that lined from his ribs down to below his belly button. She traced it with her pointer finger and noticed the way he shivered and looked away from her. “What’s that from?” She asked her voice filled with concern._ _

__“It’s not a big deal.”_ _

__“It looks like kind of a big deal to me.” Amy said her finger still tracing it eyes never leaving his._ _

__“I kind of got stabbed in Seattle.”_ _

__“You what?” Amy asked starting to sit up but Jake pushed her back down on the bed._ _

__“We can talk about it later babe.” He said while kissing down her neck making his way to her collarbone. “I promise.”_ _

__Amy wanted to protest, she wanted to protest so badly. But what he was doing felt so good and she would kill him and herself it it stoped right now. “Fine.” Amy sighed as he kissed further down her stomach. She reached down and ran her hands through her hair. “I missed you too.”_ _


	6. It's Looming That I Might Lose You

Amy woke up the next morning to Jake’s arms wrapped tightly around her, his knee resting in between her legs. For a second she was right back in May all those years ago after the first time. The panic in her chest as she realized what had happened, but then the butterflies in her stomach as the events slowly came back to her.

Jake shifted slightly, his arm wrapping tighter around her. She couldn’t help the smile that crept onto her face as he laid a couple of kisses to her shoulder blade. “Good morning.” He whispered.

“Morning.” She whispered back turning around in his arms and lightly kissing him. “You wanna go to breakfast or something before work?”

“Yeah I’d like that.” Jake said letting go of her and crawling out of bed. She followed him into their bathroom where she quickly got dressed. She watched as he put on one of his many flannel shirts. The way his muscles in is back moved brought back a similar image from last night. One that made her smile at the ground blushing.

Eventually they settled on a place that served brunch. It was the one they used to go all the time back when they were dating. Close enough to the nine nine that they could stop in before work. “You said you would tell me about your scar.” Amy said after they had ordered and were waiting on their food.

Jake grimaced slightly. “I was hoping that you wouldn’t ask.”

“I figured.” Amy said. “You’ve never really told me anything about what you were doing in Seattle. All I know is that you were undercover. That’s all they would tell me.”

“I know.” Jake said. “My name was Steve Briggs. Basically we got involved in a drug cartel and were supposed to take them down from the inside. I kind of thought it would be a lot like when I went undercover with the mafia, but I was wrong. These guys do not mess around.”

Amy nodded. “So what happened? You took down the carel, so how did you get the scar?”

“We barely took it down. We got lucky in all honesty. They figured out I was undercover but they didn’t know that William was. These guys weren’t exactly keen on undercover cops in their investigation. One of the guys, his name was Brad, took a knife and drug it straight down. Several times.”

“Where was William?” Amy asked. It hurt her heart to think of someone hurting Jake like that. It brought her back to those awful thoughts she had when he was in the mafia. All those bad dreams about what she had heard the mafia did to snitches.

“He had to watch the whole thing. There wasn’t exactly anything he could do. But since they were all in one room all together, we were able to bust them.” Jake said a cocky grin coming onto his face. “So if you think about it I am the reason there are a lot of bad drug lords off the streets of Seattle.”

“You could have died.” Amy said her voice barely above a whisper. All those nightmares she had had could’ve very easily come true. So easily that could've been the last thing she said to him.

“I know.” Jake said as the waitress set the food down in front of them. “But I didn’t.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Did you not have to hospitalized?”

“You know how William came home three days earlier than I did?” Jake asked and Amy nodded her head. “That’s cause I was in the hospital.”

“What?” Amy almost shouted at him before she remembered that they were in a very public place. “And you didn’t call and tell me?”

“At the time things were really bad. I thought about it, but then I thought that you probably didn’t want to hear from me. I started overthinking things in my head and eventually came to the conclusion that you would be mad that they didn’t ‘finish the job’.”

Amy’s mouth fell agap as she reached across the table to take Jake’s hand. “Oh my gosh. Don’t _ever_ think that.” She shook her head. “Even if we were to have gotten divorced, I never would’ve thought that. Please don’t ever not call me again.”

“I will next time.”

“There better not be a _next time._ ”

\----

**One Week Later**

“Hi.” Dr.Simpkins said as she made her way into her office taking her seat across from the couple. “Today’s session is on faithfulness.” She said after they exchanged pleasantries. Jake and Amy both shifted nervously sharing an awkward glance with each other. “I’m already picking up on some tension in here, so we’ll see how that plays out.” She said with a small smile. “Just remember to be honest. So the first question is have either one of you ever thought about seeing someone else while you were together?”

\----

_It had been weeks since she’d seen her husband. And the last time she did his clothes were drenched in the smell of cheap perfume that was not hers. A small part of her mind said ‘Jake would never do that. Not after everything that his father put his mother through.’. But then again he had been growing increasingly more distant._

_Ever since he came home from Phoenix, he wouldn’t kiss her, wouldn’t touch her. Everytime he looked at her he had this look of regret in his eyes. Like he was dying to say something but just didn’t know how._

_Sure she didn’t find anything in his phone. But he wasn’t going to be able to find anything in her phone after tonight. Just a random stranger in bar. Nothing personal, just sex. Nameless faces. It had been way too long and she needed anything at this point._

_So she sat there are the bar staring into her drink hoping that a stranger would come up to her. If she was being honest, she wasn’t brave enough to go out there and find someone. She needed to come walking right up to her._

_As if someone had heard her wish she felt the presence of a man sit down at the bar stool next to her. “Can I buy you a drink?” He asked. She glanced over and smiled at the six foot man with brown hair. His eyes were blue like the ocean, not the pretty shade of brown she had grown accustomed to._

_“I’d like that.” She said as he flagged down the bartender and she order another drink._

_“What’s your name?”_

_“Gretchen.” She lied not bothering to ask his name. She didn’t care. As soon as the bartender sat down the drink she downed it. “Let’s cut to the chase. I’m sure that you’ve got a hotel room upstairs and you were looking for any lady who might go up there with you. Well today’s your lucky day. So if you want to pay the tab, then we can get right to it.”_

_“I like the way you think Gretchen.” The man said as he gave the bartender his tab before leading her out of the bar. His hand on the small of her back made her skin feel like it was on fire. In a whole different way then Jake's always did._

_He lead her to the elevator where they got on just the two of them. The second the door shut he pushed her against the wall and started kissing her. Jake had done that before but he was much more gentle about it. This guy didn’t care as long as his mouth was on hers. His hand moved up to the back of her dress as he started to kiss down her neck. He missed the pressure point that she loved so much and she couldn't help but feel the littlest bit of sadness that it wasn’t Jake kissing her right now._

_The second his hand made contact with the dress zipper reality seems to have caught up to her. “Wait.” she said panting slightly. “I can’t- I don’t want to-”_

_“What’s the matter?” The man asked taking his hands off of her and backing away._

_“I can’t do this. I thought I could but I don’t think I can.”_

_“You married?”_

_“How’d you know?”_

_“Pretty easy to spot a first time cheater. I’m married too don’t worry about it.” Don’t worry about? She was almost minutes away from cheating on her husband. Her husband who loved her very much._

_“I should go.” She said as the elevator door opened. “Thank you for the drink.”_

_“No problem.” The man shouted back just as the elevator doors closed._

\-----

“Yes.” Amy said first. “They were a couple of times when I thought about going told a bar and just hooking up with some random stranger. But it was always just physical nothing more.” She said turning on the couch to talk to Jake. She hoped that he understood.

“Just physical.” Dr.Simpkins said. “So you were just looking for sex.”

“Yes.” Amy said.

“Did you ever feel guilty while you were doing this? When you took off you wedding ring did you ever have a moment where you paused and wondered what you were doing?”

“Every time.” Amy said. “When I put the ring in the dresser I felt this immense shame, but at the same time I just wanted something. When I was at those bars and all the guys were looking at me, I couldn’t help but to feel more alive, almost empowered. It had been a while since Jake had looked at me that way.”

She nodded writing things down on her clipboard. “And you Jake?”

He nodded once. “I’ve been all over the country with work. So there were times when I found myself at a bar buying drinks for a girl that was relatively attractive. Occasionally things would escalate and I would end up in her hotel room kissing. Eventually like Amy said reality would hit me and I would back out.

“Okay, so did either one of you ever go all the way?”

“No.” They both said.

“Did you both think of each other while you were kissing someone else?”

“All the time.” Amy said. “With each guy, I always found myself comparing him to you. None of them where as good of a kisser or knew what I wanted. I actually found that with each time I kissed a different guy I missed you even more. I was trying to fill the Jake shaped hole, but it only grew bigger."

“Interesting.” Dr.Simpkins said. “So while you were away with someone else you were almost realizing how much you appreciate him”

“Yeah.” Amy said her eyebrows furrowing together in concentration. “I never really thought about it like that, but yeah. I always just assumed it was guilt. Which was definitely there.”

“I also compared these other girls to Amy. I never could find anyone as pretty or kind. And you’re right none of them knew what I liked.”

“Did you guys ever think about how you were hurting one another by doing this?”

“Not during but definitely after.” Jake said. “It would always be hard to fall asleep for the next week thinking about what was going to happen when she found out.”

“When?” Dr.Simpkins asked. “You knew that she was going to find out?”

“It’s not exactly easy to have an affair when both partners are detectives. I knew it was only a matter of time.” Amy laughed slightly and smiled he was right, it was only a matter of time.

“So if you knew that you were going to feel that way for an entire week, why go out? You even said that you knew there was no way that you were going to go all the way.”

“Like Amy said, it was the rush of it. I felt good when I was out in those bars. Better than I had in a long time.”

“Okay what do you think caused you to have the affair though?”

“I was far away from home, missed my wife. We weren’t having sex at home and I just sometimes felt like I needed to...you know.”

“That’s exactly how I felt. Eventually I assumed that _you_ were having an affair which is how I justified going back to the bar so many times.” Amy said.

“How did you each find out about the affairs?”

“The man I kissed one night showed up at the precinct and called me Gretchen. I panicked probably made it pretty obvious. Before he left he told me that he wanted to see me again. In a precinct full of detectives it wasn’t hard to figure out. One of our co-workers, Gina, then recounted the encounter to Jake.”

“One of our friends cousin snapped a pic of me kissing a girl. Charles didn’t send the picture to Amy, but Rosa did.”

“Did you ever confront each other about the affairs?”

“Eventually.” Amy said. “That was kind of a rough night.”

“How so?”

“There was a lot of screaming, things said in the heat of the moment that we didn’t mean.”

“So it lead to fighting.” They both nodded. “How do you think that you can avoid this in the future? That way you don’t have to feel that way and argue about it later.” Dr.Simpkins asked.

Amy tuned to Jake on the couch. “Like we said last week, we both wanted to have sex just didn’t know how to tell the other. If we had told each other than maybe it never would’ve happened.”

“Yeah.” Jake agreed. “It had just been to long. We were both lonely and just wanted something that we weren’t getting.”

“Yeah.” Amy said. “So in the future I think we would just need to talk to each other before it gets to the point that we’re going out looking for strangers.”

“Great!” Dr.Simpkins said. “That was exactly what I was going to tell you but it seems that you’ve already gotten to that point. “So moving forward, do you still hold grudges against each other for that?”

“No.” Amy said. “Neither one of us went all the way. Sure it sucks that we even went down this road at all, but we’re not talking full on affair.”

“Also the fact that we were both doing this.” Jake added. “It wasn’t just me who was going out and kissing other girls, she was doing the same thing. So in a way I guess we’re even.”

“Amy, you said that you don’t consider it a full affair, but doesn't it bother you just a little that your husband was out kissing other girls.”

“Of course it does, but like he said I was out kissing other guys. It would be hypocritical of me to hold that against him.” I think that we can recover from this. So I don’t want to label it as an affair cause I feel like that has such a nasty connotation.”

“That’s true.” Dr.Simpkins said glancing down at her watch. “Do you worry when you apart that maybe something might happen again.”

Amy pursed her lips. She wished that she could say that she didn’t but deep down there was a tiny voice in her mind when he was gone that always asked what if. “Before we started coming here, yes.” Jake said breaking the silence. “When we each confronted each other on it, we swore it would never happen again. But then we never started having sex or anything. So while I was in Seattle there was a small part of me that wondered if she was keeping that promise.”

“I felt the same way. Especially since we weren’t talking or anything. I had no way of knowing what you were thinking.” Jake nodded.

“Alright.” Mandy said glancing back down at her watch. “We are out of time. For homework I want you guys to create a list of all the things you appreciate/love about each other. Also continue with the other exercises we’ve worked on. You guys have made remarkable progress and I’m feeling much more optimistic about your future than I was when you walked in. Have a great week.” She said as they left her little office.

Outside the early morning sun was brightly shining. Amy squinted her eyes walking towards their car. “Will you drop me off at the nine nine?” She asked him sitting in the passenger seat.

“Yeah. Do I need to pick you up then? I get off a lot later than you do.”

“I know. I’ll have Rosa drive me home or something. Worst case scenario it’s not that long of a walk.”

“Okay.” Jake said. “Text me if you can’t get a ride back though and I’ll come pick you up. It’s not that big of a deal, you may just have to wait an hour or so.” Amy nodded.

They had been driving for a couple of minutes when Jake glanced over at her. “You know I feel terrible about kissing those girls.”

She looked over at him meeting his gaze. “I know and I do too.” She reached out and took his hand. “We’re getting better. We are.”

“I know. I just wish it had never happened to begin with. I never thought I would be a cheater.”

“You’re not a cheater Jake. You’re not like your dad. You made a mistake and stopped the second you did.”

“Yeah but I made the same mistake over and over again.”

“You’ve always been a slow learner.” She said to him as he pulled up next to the nine nine.

“You’re so mean to me.” He said with a smile and slight laugh.

“You love it.” Amy said as she grabbed her bag. “I’ll see you at home.”

“Yeah.” Jake said as Amy got out of the car. “I’m serious if you can’t find a ride call me.” He shouted just as Amy closed the door. She gave him a thumbs up before heading into the building. It still felt strange that he wasn’t following her through that door. He watched her until she disappeared inside the building before driving away.

\----

Amy walked into the nine nine and made her way to the Captain's office. _Her office._ The pictures of her and Jake on her desk brought a smile to her face. They were going to be able to make this work.

It wasn’t long before there was a knock at her door and Charles was coming into her office. He took a seat in front of her desk a wide smile on her face. “What can I do for you?” She asked him after a second where he didn’t say anything.

“How is Jake?” Charles asked squirming in his seat. Amy looked at him for a minute puzzled, there was no way he knew that her and Jake had slept together last week.

“He is fine.” Amy said. “Did you have a question or?”

“Are you two going to be able to make it work? Please tell me you are not getting a divorce. If you divorce him so help me God Amy.”

Amy sighed wanting to slam her head against the table. “Would you take his side if we got divorced? Even though I’m your boss.”

“No offense or anything, but I would always take Jake’s side. He’s my best friend.”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but we are not getting divorced.” Charles squealed like a kid in a candy shop when she said that.

“I knew it!” he exclaimed. “I kept telling Jake all you two needed was one night of passionate love making-”

“Okay Charles.” Amy said cutting him off. “I get it.”

“I wish that he had listened to my advice and washed your hair, then you guys would’ve never been in this mess.”

“Uh huh.” Amy said. “So did Jake tell you or are you just guessing.” Charles was quiet. “So he told you.”

“Oh yeah.” Charles said. “But I was sworn to not tell.” Amy rolled her eyes knowing that by the end of the day all of her co-workers were going to know. “I promise that I will try my hardest to not tell anyone else. I’m just so happy for you guys.”

“Thank you.” Amy said with a slight smile as Charles got up out of the chair in front of his desk.

“Oh.” He said stopping in the doorway. “Jake said that you blame yourself for Abigail.” Amy immediately stiffened at the name. “That’s not your fault at all. It was 100 percent Watkins fault. I know that’s really hard, but beating yourself up over it isn’t going to help anyone. We all love and care for you and are here if you need anyone.” Amy stared at him as he walked out of the door and into the bullpen. 

\------

“You told him!” Amy shouted at Jake as soon as he walked into the door. Jake stopped dead in his tracks not entirely sure what he had just walked into.

“Told him what?” Jake asked calmly trying to figure out the sudden change in mood. This morning everything had been perfectly fine and now they were back to screaming.

“Charles.” Amy yelled at him. “Why does Charles know that I blame myself for Abigail?”

Jake groaned moving a hand up his face. “Fuck. Ames I’m sorry.” He said trying to make the best out of a bad situation before things dramatically escalated. “I was drunk that one night and I kind of spilled everything to him and Terry.”

“Are you serious?” Amy shouted at him. “Jake! Everyone in the nine nine is going to know now! Charles can not keep a secret.”

“I’m sorry.” Jake said. “But I needed someone to talk to. I was tired of just bottling it all up and you never wanted to talk about it.”

“I never wanted to talk about?” Amy questioned him. “Are you kidding me? I only wanted to talk about. You were the one that threw yourself into work and refused to have a conversation about it that lasted more than five minutes.”

“It was hard to talk about Amy!” Jake yelled back at her. “It still is.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I keep going through all these milestones in my head. How old she would be, what we would be doing with her.”

“You think that I’m not?” Amy screamed at her husband. “If you think that you’ve been in pain try to imagine how that felt for me. I wanted you to be there for me and you weren’t. In a way I feel like I lost my daughter and my husband all in one sweep.”

The room was quiet as Amy's words sunk in.“I think I’m going to get a hotel room for tonight.” Jake said in a whisper afraid to look in his wife’s eyes.

“Wait.” Amy said her voice signifantly calmer than it was before. “I didn’t mean that.”

“We both know you did.”

“You don’t have to leave.” She said grabbing his arm lightly. “You can stay here and we can work it out.”

“I know.” Jake said. “If I stay then we’ll yell at each other. You know that’s the truth. I’m done yelling Ames. It’s not worth it anymore.”

“What are you saying?” Amy asked.

“Maybe we just need a little bit of distance right now. Sometime to think things over.”

“But we were making so much progress.” Amy said tears welling up in her eyes.

He pulled her into a hug as her tears started to soak through his t-shirt. She hugged him back as hard as she could possibly manage. “I’ll come back. I promise. But I don’t want to yell anymore. I just want us to be happy” he let her go and grabbed his phone charger before heading towards the door.  
“  
Wait!” She said just as his hand touched the doorknob. “Please stay. Please. I’m begging you. I’ve lowered myself enough that I don’t care how much I have to beg you just please stay.”

“I don’t want to fight.”

“I know. We don’t have too. It’s all in the past. Why argue about something that already happened.” 

Jake dropped his charger and made the way across the room to her leaning down and slowly kissing her. “I’m sorry.” He whispered. “It just all got to be too much all of a sudden.”  
“  
I know. I know.” Amy said the tears still falling down her cheeks. “I’m sorry that I yelled at you like that.”

“I’m sorry if you ever thought that I wasn’t there for you. I wanted to be so badly, but I didn’t even know how to be there for myself.”

“I get it. We both messed up. We should’ve been there for each other instead of just being selfish.”

“I feel like selfish is the only thing we’ve been for the past year.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry!! The next chapter is also going to be rough :( but then after that it gets better I swear


	7. Today I Lost My Future To The Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize in advance for how sad and dark this chapter got.

_“I am so bored Jake.” Amy whined sitting down at the sergeant's desk chair. “I just want to work a case. Is that too much to ask for?”_

_“Ames we talked about this remember?” Jake said sliding his chair over to her desk. “Stress is bad for the baby and this is a pretty stressful job. Terry agreed you shouldn’t be in the field. And he’s the captain.”_

_“I love paperwork.” She said to him. “But this is getting so boring. I’m only four months that’s nothing.”_

_“Nothing!” Charles exclaimed in disbelief walking over to the desk. “Your baby now has hair and eyelashes. She may even have fingernails at this point. She’s the size of an avocado.”_

_“Hear that Amy? Our baby is the size of the world's worst vegetable.”_

_“Avocado is technically a fruit.” Amy corrected him. “I know that you’re right, but this is so boring. I could at least work a case that was minimal. I’m not asking for high profile murder or even B &E. Give me a civilian complaint or something.”_

_“I’m sorry Ames. This is just the way it has to be until she’s out of there.”_

_“Whatever.” Amy said to her husband. “Go have fun on your stupid stakeout and make sure there’s plenty of paperwork for me to do.”_

_“Oh there will be.” Charles said grabbing his jacket off the back of his chair. “This is going to be one of the biggest drug bust the-”_

_“Ah ah. Not helping.” Jake said pushing Charles to the door leaving Amy behind._

\-----

“Today’s session is on the past and how that affects the future.” They both nodded sitting down on her ugly green couch. “It’s important to be able to let the past go. If you’re clinging onto things that happened in the past your future will stall. But before we get into it, I want to hear some items off of your appreciation list.”

Amy cleared her throat signaling to Jake that she was going to go first. She carefully unfolded her paper and began to read from the list. “You cooking for me. You care about my opinion. Your eyes. You still try to look nice when we go out even though ‘we’re married’.”

“Hey!” Jake exclaimed. “That was mine. You stole that from me.”

Amy ignored him and continued to read off of her list “You put up with my OCD. You’ve always been supportive. You kill every bug that I find in our house.” Jake looked down laughing slightly remembering the huge spider in the shower last week. “You think tv commercials are funny. And you want to be the best husband you can possibly be.” 

Amy looked up from her list and was meet with Jake looking at her the same way he did all those years ago as she walked down the aisle. “That’s a very nice list Amy.” Dr.Simpkins said. “How about you Jake? Let’s hear a few off of yours.”

Amy braced herself for all the sexual things he loved about her. Her butt, her boobs, typical run of the mill stuff. “I love how hardworking and dedicated you are. I wish I had just a shred of that. I love it when you smile and the whole room seems to get just a little bit brighter.” Amy smiled down at the rug. “Yeah just like that.” he added. 

“You buy Orange soda instead of Orgenia. Sometimes when I don’t know what I’m trying to say you just know. You laugh at my jokes. I love your laugh. Pretty sure I’ve been trying to make you laugh ever since I heard it that first day you started at the nine nine. And uh that you make me want to be a better person.”

If they weren’t sitting in a public place right now Amy might have cried. But she contained herself bottling up all those emotions that were definitely going to come out on the car ride home. “Those are very nice lists.” Dr.Simpkins said with a wide smile on her face. “At some point I would like you two to exchange lists and read everything that you wrote. It feels good to be appreciated doesn't it?” They both nodded their heads. “Okay so the first question for this week is if you could go back and change one thing what would it be?”

\-----

_Amy threw down more paperwork onto Terry’s desk. He wasn’t there at the moment as he was off solving a case. Just like the rest of her co-workers. Like she should be doing. She sat down at her desk with nothing to do._

_Eventually she resigned to playing Kwazy Cupcakes, something she said she would never do at work. She had just made it to Sprinkle city when the elevator chimed snapping her out of the the daze. Amy turned around hoping it was Jake getting off the elevator, but it was just Sarah._

_“Oh my gosh. I’m so over everything.” She complained making her way over to Amy’s desk. “Where is everyone?”_

_“Out on open cases, what’s wrong with you?_

_“Stupid lead I had turned out to nothing. And now I have to do door duty in this really fancy apartment building. Everyone there is a snob who doesn't believe that anyone there could be a drug dealer. It’s the worst.”_

_“That sucks.” Amy said picking up her phone and beginning to swipe around aimlessly. Sarah grabbed her jacket off the back of chair slipping it on._

_“Do you want to come with me? You look super bored.”_

_Amy lifted her gaze from her phone. “I can’t.”_

_“Why?”_

_“I’m supposed to be on desk duty.”_

_“Is that ordered?” Sarah asked._

_“Not technically, but Terry, Jake and I agreed that it was the best thing for me and the baby right now.”_

_Sarah crinkled her eyebrows together. “I’m sorry, but that’s insane. You get knocked up and now you have to sit on desk duty for a whole five months? “You’re not even that pregnant. Have people stopped you on the street yet and asked you when you’re due?”_

_“No.” Amy said. “But the doctor said that I’m actually a little underweight for four months.”_

_“Look.” Sarah said. “If you don’t want to go it’s fine. I just thought you looked really bored. Plus I wanted to get some mentoring time in. But it’s okay either way.” Amy sighed once. “The building’s pretty safe, like I said it’s a bunch of richie rich people. And honestly this is gonna end up being a dead end. But I gotta go. He's not even really a drug dealer. Just some highschool senior selling pot to underclassmen. Pretty sure he still lives with mommy.” Sarah said walking towards the elevator._

_“Wait.” Amy said as she got up out of her seat. “I’ll go with you.” She grabbed her jacket and made her way towards the elevator._

\-----

“I don’t know if I would’ve taken this job at the F.B.I.” Jake said scrunching up his face slightly. It had always been a dream job, but it was starting to take away his dream girl from him.

“Why?” Dr.Simpkins asked him.

“It’s not exactly what I thought it would be.” Jake said. “I miss working in the nine nine, being surrounded by all of my old coworkers. We were all like a little family and I don’t feel that with these new people at the F.B.I. I thought traveling and doing undercover missions all the time would be super cool. Like a Die Hard movie come to life. But it’s actually incredibly stressful and I hate being away from Amy for that long.”

“So when you left the nine nine, you felt like you lost your family too?”

He tilted his head side to side. “We are still see each other but it’s just not the same. Things changed drastically when Holt, our old captain, became the commissioner. “

“Do you think so much change so rapidly put a strain on your relationship?

“Yeah.” Jake said. “It was just so different. We worked with each other for more than ten years and then all of a sudden we’re on opposite sides of the city.”

“What about you Amy? What is one thing you could change about the past if you could?”

Amy turned to Jake tears already in her eyes. “I wouldn't have left my desk.”

\-----

_“What’s this guys name?” Amy asked Sarah as the two of them walked into the lobby of the nice apartment building._

_“Bill Watkins. I would've killed for someone like him when I was in highschool if you know what I mean."_

_“Okay you said you wanted to be mentored, lesson one don’t admit to doing illegal activity with a fellow officer.”_

_“Got it.” Sarah said. “Thanks.” They walked to the first door. Just as Sarah was about to knock she turned to Amy. “You’re not required to be on desk duty right? That’s just something that you and Jake had decided?”_

_“Yeah why?”_

_“I don’t want to get in trouble with Terry or Jake for that matter. He can be pretty scary.”_

_“Jake? Scary?” Amy asked laughing. “You’re joking right?”_

_“No.” Sarah said. “He can get really scary if there’s anything negative said about you. He’s really protective over you.” Amy squinted her eyes as Sarah knocked on the door. “NYPD open up.” The door was then swung open by a fortyish man._

_“Can I help you?”_

_“You seen this man?” Sarah asked bluntly. “He’s a drug dealer and we’re going to arrest him.” They guy looked at the picture for a second before Sarah decided that he had looked long enough. “Do you know him or not?” She asked impatiently._

_“I think that he lives on the fifth floor, I’ve seen him in the elevator. Don’t be so rude next time”. The guy said before slamming the door in her face._

_“Alright lesson two, be nice to the civilians that you question. Kindness gets you a long way.”_

_“God you sound like my mother.”_

_“Well your mother sounds like a lovely person.” Amy said as they made their way to the elevator banks._

_When they got off on the fifth floor Sarah turned to Amy. “Do you want to do the evens and I’ll do the odds, get this done faster?”_

_“Yeah.” Amy said heading to door 502 while Sarah headed down the hall. She lightly tapped on the door smiling remembering how her and Jake used to do this all the time. “Hi Ma’am have you seen this man?” the old woman looked at the picture for a second studying Watkins face._

_“No. I’m sorry.” She said._

_“Thank you.” Amy said heading to the next door._

_Sarah knocked on the next odd door that she came too. The door was opened to an attractive twenty something old. “Hi.” Sarah said looking into the strangers bright blue eyes. “I’m Sarah with the NYPD.” She said twirling a string of red hair around her finger. “May I ask you name?” She tilted her head to the side breaking out the flirtatious eyes that always got her the boys in the past._

_“Mark. Can I ask why you’re here.”_

_“Well Mark.” Sarah said with her signature smile. “We’re looking for this-” It was the gunshot that echoed down the hall that snapped her out of her infatuation for the random stranger. She immediately pulled out her gun running down the hallway towards the sound. As she rounded the corner her heart fell out her chest as she laid eyes on her co-worker laying on the ground in a pool of her own blood._

\------

“You blame yourself for losing your daughter.” Dr.Simpkins said her voice filled with sadness. 

“Yeah.” Amy said refusing to look anywhere but the ground.

“I lost a child too.” Dr.Simpkins said her voice steady and calm. “I know what that’s like. It’s a horrible thing. I blamed myself afterwards too. Didn’t get out of bed for an entire month. But then I realized that it wasn’t my fault. Things happen. And it sucks but blaming yourself is only going to tear you apart even more than you already are.”

“How could I not blame myself. I put myself in danger. If I had stayed at that desk then we would have a daughter right now.”

“That is true.” Mandy said. “But you couldn't have known. You put yourself in danger every time you get into a car, and I bet you were still getting into cars when you were pregnant. There’s always danger, always room for something to go wrong.” 

Amy wiped a tear away from her eyes leaning back into the couch. Jake wrapped his arm around her and she leaned her head on his shoulder. Leaning down he kissed the top of her head. “You don’t think that’s why you two fell apart do you?” Dr.Simpkins asked.

“No.” Amy said. “I think it was kind of the beging of the downfall though.”

“We both grieved differently. I had to be moving, had to be doing anything other than thinking about it. We didn’t talk about it cause we didn’t know how to. We weren’t there for each other in one of the most difficult things I think we’ll ever go through.”

“Why didn’t you want to talk about?” Dr.Simpkins asked.

“I’m not very good with emotions. I didn’t know what to say to you because I didn’t know what to say to myself. I was a mess. And I was terrified of saying the wrong thing. I was angry at everyone, angry at the world, trying to find some reason that something so terrible would happen. “

\------

_Jake picked up his phone the second time that Sarah called. “This better be good.” He said to her. “You know that I am in the middle of a big steakout.”_

_“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Jake. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.” She hysterically sobbed into the phone._

_“Sarah.” Jake said as calmly as he could. “What’s going on.”_

_“I’m so sorry.” she sobbed again. “I swear I didn’t mean for anything bad to happen.” through her sobs Jake could barely make out what she was saying._

_“Sarah, I need you to take a deep breath for me and tell me exactly what happened.”_

_He helped her take a deep breath before she spoke again. “She got shot.” she said almost in a whisper her voice so shaky._

_Jake felt his heart drop. “Who got shot?” He asked needing to hear her say it. “Who got shot!” He yelled into his phone when Sarah didn’t answer him. “What hospital? What hospital are you at?” Jake asked barely able to find words to create a sentence._

_“Brooklyn methodists.” She said. “She’s in surgery right now. Holt said that he’ll send back up to the steak out so that Charles doesn't have to leave.” Sarah said through sobs_

_“Okay.” Jake said hanging up the phone. “I have to go.”_

_“Is everything okay? Who got shot.”_

_“Just some beat cop.” Jake lied. He knew if he told Charles the truth Charles would end up leaving the steakout or not being very focused during the steakout. Everything was going to be fine he told himself on the drive to the hospital._

_A thousand questions ran through his mind. How did she got shot? Wasn’t she on desk duty? He quickly parked the car in a no parking zone and ran into the hospital as fast as he could. The waiting room was filled with co-workers and uniformed officers._

_“What the hell!” He screamed at Sarah the second he saw her._

_“I’m so sorry.” she said tears still running down her face. “I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t-”_

_“What happened?” Jake demanded._

_Terry stepped between the two detectives. “Amy went out with Sarah to do routine door duty. They were asking neighbors if they had seen a 18 year old who was selling pot to high schools. He was flagged non threatening.”_

_“Then why did I get a call saying my wife had been shot?” Jake yelled at Terry._

_“Amy knocked on the man, Bill Watkins, door. He happened to be home and have a gun. There wasn’t enough time for her to react before he had shot her and fled the scene.” Jake felt the blood in his veins boil._

_“Was she wearing a vest?” He asked even though he knew the answer. If she was wearing a vest they probably wouldn’t be standing in the hospital waiting room right now._

_“Unfortunately no.” Terry said looking at the ground refusing to meet Jake's eyes._

_“This is why you should’ve told her desk duty was mandatory. She would have never left it was a captain's order to stay.” Jake yelled at Terry his fists balled at his side. Holt came over and lightly put his hand on his shoulder._

_“Jacob, why don’t we go over here for a second.” Holt said leading the detective away and to a secluded corner. Jake sat down in the chair as directed by Holt. He put his head in his hands and cried._

_Holt sat down in the chair next to him and gently rested his hand on Jake’s back. “It’s going to be okay son.”_

_It was hours before a doctor came out and gave them an update. “Amy Santiago?” He called out. Everyone in the waiting room looked up eager to hear what he was going to say. Jake was out his chair as fast as lightning pushing his way towards the man._

_“Hi. I’m her husband Jake Peralta.” The doctor nodded leading Jake back towards the patient section of the hospital._

_“Your wife’s gunshot wound was not nearly as bad as it could’ve been. Had it been a few centimeters up she might not have survived.” Jake let out the slightest sign of relief although he was still panicking about his daughter. “We expect her to make a full recovery. She’s awake right now if you would like to see her.” They stopped by a door and the doctor gave a slight smile._

_“What about the baby?” Jake asked._

_The doctor looked over to the side breaking eye contact with Jake for a second. “I’m sorry. There’s no easy way to say this.” The rest was just background noise as Jake felt the world collapse around him. His baby girl. She was gone, just like that._

_“Does she know?” Jake asked when the doctor had stopped talking. He glanced through the tiny window on the door. Amy was laying down with her back facing the door._

_“Yes.” The doctor said. “She was informed right after her surgery.” Jake turned his back on the doctor and walked into the room. Through the window the doctor could see the way Amy rolled over as soon as Jake walked in. Her face stained red from the tears._

_Jake laid down next to her in the bed and wrapped his arms around her. His entire body shaking with force from crying as he held his wife close to him. He watched the man run his hands through her hair kissing the top of her head still crying himself._

\-----

“I didn’t know what to say either.” Amy said. “I was so afraid that you were blaming me. It was kind of hard to even look at you cause I was just so convinced that I would see resentment in your eyes.”

“Have you ever felt any sort of resentment towards her?” Dr.Simpkins asked Jake. “it doesn't have to be right on the surface, it could be something subconscious.”

“No. I’ve never blamed Amy.” Jake said taking her hand in his. “I wish you didn’t leave the nine nine that day. Sometimes I find myself playing the what if game. What if you hadn't left? What if you wore a vest? What if you went to the odd doors instead of the even doors? But that doesn't mean that I blame you for what happened."

“That’s a natural thing to do in a situation like this. But you two should talk to each other about it. I know it’s been a while but you can still talk to each other about it. It might feel good to put it all out there and start off fresh.” She looked down at her clipboard for a second. “Moving on to something a little easier to discuss. Would you consider your relationship mostly good or bad?”

Amy wiped a stray tear away from her eye before speaking. “Mostly good.” she said looking over at Jake for confirmation. “We were really happy together for a really long time, and I think that we’re starting to get back to that place. I actually want to be around you again.” She said with a slight laugh.

“That’s good.” Dr.Simpkins said. “What about you Jake?”

“Yeah we were definitely good for a long time. But within the past year I would say that it was mostly bad.” He saw out of the corner of his eye the Amy nodded her head. “We were fighting a lot and being around each other was stressful. But I agree with what Amy said we are getting better.”

“That’s really good. You said being around each other was stressful, which goes back to what we talked about in week two, finding a way to help each other with stress rather than making it worse. This week for homework I want you guys to talk about your past. Like really talk about it, dig deep. Old arguments that you feel are still unresolved, bring them up, put everything in the past to rest so you can stop looking backwards and start looking forward. Have a great week.”

\-----

Amy propped herself up on her husband’s chest with her elbows. “Can we talk?”

“Of course.” He said running a hand down her back. 

“No like really talk. Like she said about digging up these skeletons so we can finally lay them to rest for good.”

“I know.” Jake said. “And I know just which one I want to dig up first.”

“I think I know which one.”

“The fight right before I left for Seattle.”

Amy nodded. “That’s the one I wanted to talk about too.”

\----

_Jake walked into the dark apartment. He kicked his shoes off and turned on the hall light. “Amy!” He called out. His luggage was already sitting by the door waiting for tomorrow morning. He had just gotten home from making sure that everything was set. It was going to be such a killer assignment. He had always wanted to go to Seattle. “Where you at?” he called out after a minute where she hadn’t answered._

_“Right here.” She called out from the living room. Jake flicked on the light switch and saw his wife staring straight ahead her back turned to him phone laying on the couch._

_“Whatcha doing?” He asked her feeling an odd vibe in the room._

_“Just thinking.” She said her eye twitching slightly._

_“Cool.” Jake said awkwardly bobbing his head. He shoved his hands in his pocket to keep from wringing his finger in nerves. “Have you had dinner yet? I’m thinking we can order pizza and watch Property Brothers. Thought we could just take it easy since I got to leave early tomorrow.”_

_“Are you having an affair?” She asked quietly her back still turned to him. The room was quiet enough that you could hear a pin drop._

_“What?” He asked feeling his heart start to race. “Having an affair? Are you serious?”_

_“Don’t lie.” Amy said standing up off the couch. “Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.”_

_“I’m not having an affair Ames.” Something seemed to snap as her face immediately hardened. He recognized it from all the years he’s spent with her when she was arresting perps._

_“Don’t call me that.” She snarled at him while opening her phone. “And don’t lie to me. I’m going to ask you one more time. Are you having an affair.”_

_“No.” Jake lied too afraid to say yes. Amy rolled her eyes and looked like she was going to punch a wall, or maybe him._

_Amy handed her phone over to him. He bit on his check when he saw the picture on his phone. It was the one of him and the girl from Arizona. Jake grimaced slightly wanting to shrink down and disappear. “I can explain.”_

_“I would love to hear your explanation as to why you’re kissing another girl who is sitting in your lap.” Amy said her voice dripping with sarcasm. “But the thing is I don’t give a damn what sorry ass excuse you have.”_

_“How did you even-”_

_“How did I get this picture?” Amy asked cutting him off. “Rosa forwarded it to me. Charles had it on his phone. There’s a Boyle in every state Jake.”_

_“Look Amy. This isn’t a big deal, it was just a kiss.” He said groaning and running his hands through his hair. “I didn’t have sex with that girl or any other girl for that matter.”_

_“Other girl?” Amy questioned. “This isn’t the only girl who’s throat you’ve been sticking your tongue down?” Jake was silent not wanting to make things worse than they already were. “Oh my gosh. You’re disgusting.” She said leaving the living room and going out towards the kitchen._

_“What about you, Gretchen?” He asked following her into the kitchen. Amy’s head snapped towards him at the name Gretchen. “Yeah that’s right. I know. Don’t get all up on your high horse now.”_

_“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Amy yelled back up at her._

_“Now you’re the one lying. Oh how the tables turn. Gina called me after he left the precinct. Said that he called you Gretchen and wanted to see you around. She said you were acting really weird. It doesn't take a genius to connect the dots.”_

_Amy stared at him her eyes shooting daggers. “I kissed one man and at a bar and regretted the second afterwards.” she lied. “You were kissing girls left and right and probably not even thinking about how this would affect me or us. You don’t get to spin this negatively on me. God you are unbelievable.”_

_“What did you expect me to do?” He questioned her.“You wouldn’t have sex with me. You wouldn't kiss me. You would barley even touch me. Hell you would barely even look at me. How do you think that made me feel?_

_“Are you really trying to blame me for you having an affair?” Amy asked walking out of the kitchen standing in their entry way. “Are you serious.”_

_“Maybe.” Jake said. “Maybe if you showed one ounce of affection we wouldn’t be having this fight right now.”_

_Jake watched Amy’s lips twitch before curling up into a cruel smile. “Congratulations Jake.” She said coldly. “You’re worst feat just came true. You’ve become your dad.” She said before storming off in the direction of their bedroom tears falling down her face._

_Jake watched her go his heart hammering in his chest and the tears welling up in his eyes. “I’m leaving.” He shouted back at her. “I won’t be back for at least two months. We’ll see if I even come back then.”_

_“Do whatever you want!” He heard Amy shout back at him._

_“I will.”he shouted back grabbing his bags and leaving their apartment door slamming it shut behind him._

\----

“I’ve never been so vicious.” She said looking into his eyes. “I regret everything I said that night. I wasn’t thinking.”

“Neither have I.” Jake said. “I should’ve been honest with you when you asked me. Especially since I knew that picture was out there. It was wrong of the suggest you were the reason I kissed those other girls.”

“As was saying you were becoming like your dad. know how insecure you are about that and it’s not true.”

“It kind of is.” Jake said with a sad smile. “I guess it’s kind of in my DNA.”

“Jake you’re nothing like him. He didn't fight to stay with your mom. He walked away. He abandon you and your mom. You’re never going to just walk away from me or us.”

“I thought about it.” Jake said. “There was a point in Seattle where I considered just staying out there.”

“But you still came home. You still agreed to go see Dr.Simpkins.” 

“That was definitely the turning point.” Jake said. “On the flight to Seattle I kind of realized that things couldn't go on like this. It was either divorce or start working though our problems. And I’m so glad that we chose the latter.”

“Me too. I don’t know how I would love myself if I lost you.” 

“I love you with all my heart and I’m sorry for how shitty I’ve made you feel in the past.” Jake said.

“I am too. I wish I could erase every terrible thing that I’ve said to you in the past year. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” she laid down and wrapped her arm around him listening to his steady heartbeat. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and pressed a kiss against the top of her head. 

"I know losing Abigail was horrible" Jake said. "But I really do think that we can work past it. Sure there will always be a hole in our hearts, but eventually things have to get better right?"

"Yeah." Amy said. "I don't know what I was thinking that day. I wish that I could do everything differently."

"I know." Jake said kissing the top of her head. "but we can't. What we can do is let go of the past and start looking forward again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry!!! The next chapter is happy I promise! Also like I said before I don't think there's anyway Amy would do something like that in the show :)


	8. Sooner Or Later We Break To Fit In

“Today is the last session which is about the future and where you guys see yourselves. So it’s a lot more relaxed since we’re not digging up old problems.” Dr.Simpkins said laughing slightly. “At this point most couples who are still in the program are starting to get to a point where they are happy again. So do you want to stay married?” Dr.Simpkins asked the couple sitting on the couch.

“Yes.” Amy said turning to Jake “I don’t want to get a divorce.”

“I definitely don’t either.” Jake said smiling at her. 

“Good. That’s really good. Where do you see each other in five years from now?”

“I don’t know.” Jake said hesitantly. “If there was ever a job to open back up at the nine nine I would definitely take it. I would take any detective job in Brooklyn actually. I don’t want to travel as much. Want to be a little bit more stable.”

“That’s good.” Dr.Simpkins said. “Being stable is always a good thing. “What about with Amy though.” Dr.Simpkins asked Jake.

“Well obviously I want to stay married. I still want to buy an actual house somewhere, get out of the apartment we’re in. Maybe travel a little more, see more of the world. I don’t really care as long as we’re happy.”

“Amy how about you, where do you see yourself with Jake five years from now.”

“I like what you said about the house. I think it would be cool to actually own our own house out in the suburbs somewhere. We haven’t talked about it.” Amy started slowly, almost as if she was nervous. “But I want to try to have another baby eventually. Now isn’t the right time obviously, but I do want to have kids. I don’t know how you feel about that, if you don’t want to I totally-”

“I would love to have kids.” Jake said cutting her off from rambling. “I haven’t wanted to ask you cause I was terrified that you weren’t going to want to. But I would love to have a kid five years from now.” 

Amy smiled at him her heart fluttering in her chest. “I would also love to travel though. It would definitely be easier to do that without kids, but maybe it would be more fun to do that with kids. I would’ve loved to travel more when I was younger.”

“Me too.” Jake said. “It could be a great experience for them.”

“So for your shared goals you want to buy a house, have kids and then travel? Dr.Simpkins asked confirming what they had just told her. “That seems like a decent list. It’ a pretty common one to be honest. What is your envision of your life in the future.”

Jake smiled down at the ground to himself as he thought about where the two of them could be ten, twenty years from now. 

\-----

_“Dada!” His two year old son screamed as soon as he walked into the door. Ian tugged on his father’s pant leg until Jake reached down and picked the toddler up._

_“He’s been crying for you ever since you left.” Amy said as Jake made his way into kitchen, two year old still in arms. “It’s been a rough day. But how was your day?” Jake leaned in and kissed his wife on the check._

_“Gross. Mommy and Daddy are kissing.” His oldest daughter Catherine shrieked._

_“It was okay. Little boring without you there. I missed you guys.” He said looking down at his son still clutching at his shirt terrified that he was going to leave again._

_“Well we missed you too.” Amy said as they all sat down at the large table. Jake smiled to himself thinking about how lucky he was to say that he had a family now. A stable, loving family that he wouldn’t change for the world. Now that he had Ian and Catherine it was growing increasingly difficult to understand how his dad could’ve just walked out of his life._

_“What was the most exciting thing you did in school today?” Jake asked his kindergarten daughter._

_“I got to a draw a picture of my family!” She exclaimed standing up from her seat and rushing to the fridge where she retrieved a drawing. Catherine shoved the picture towards her dad. “Look that’s you, mom and Ian.” she said pointing at the various people. “I even added Tia Rosa, Tia Gina, Tio Charles, Papa Holt and Papa Kev.”_

_“I love it Catie.” Jake said with a big smile on his face._

_“It’s lovely.” Amy agreed._

_Ian grabbed the picture off the table and examined closely before pointing at himself. “Ian.” He said as if he was making a huge discovery._

_“Yeah that is you.” Amy said. “Do you know who this is?” Amy asked pointing at the stick figure that was supposed to be Jake.”_

_“Dada!” Ian exclaimed happily._

_“It is.” Amy said smiling over Jake. After dinner both of their kids where in the living room watching tv when Jake finally got a chance to really talk to Amy._

_“I really did miss you today. The nine nine’s never the same when you’re not there.”_

_“I know.” Amy said setting a plate down and putting her arms around her husband’s waist. “I missed you too. Mainly just because you are way better at settling arguments and temper tantrums than me.”_

_“That’s not true.” Jake said with a smile. “You’re pretty good at it. I never would’ve been able to talk Ian into giving Catherine the remote when Timmy Time was on.”_

_“That’s true. That was one of my biggest accomplishments recently.” She said with a laugh._

_“That was honestly more impressive than when you busted that dude with forty pounds of coke.”_

_“Way more impressive.” Amy agreed with a smirk as she stood on her tiptoes to kiss him properly since he got home.”_

\------

Amy smiled at Jake feeling as if she was practically part of the story. Everything felt so real, almost arms length away. “What about you Amy?” Dr.Simpkins asked. It took Amy a second to think about. What would life in the future look like? She used to imagine their future all the time but recently she hadn’t been sure that there was going to be a future. Finally her mind conjured an image that she couldn't help but smile about. 

\-----

_Amy laid on her beach chair under the umbrella. The Florida sun was unbearably hot. She could not for the life of her figure out how Jake spent six whole months down here. When she told him that they were going he threw a fit about it. Almost bigger than the ones their four year threw when it was bedtime. But then he realized how badly Amy wanted to go to Disneyworld with Ben and he suddenly became more cooperative._

_She watched Jake and Ben on the beach. It was remarkable to her just how much her son looked like her husband. Even some of the moles on his back were in the exact same places as Jake’s if that was possible. His hair was lighter like hers, but still had those wild curls that she had grown to love on Jake._

_There was a voice in the back of her mind that wanted to call Ben back to her and re-apply his sunscreen. A four year old with a bad sunburn was not going to be fun. Yet she couldn't find it in herself to interrupt this moment._

_Jake was trying, and failing, to get Ben into the water. Everytime the water would rush the shore, getting his ankles slightly wet Ben would run back twenty feet. Jake would calm him down and get him to go back down to the waves just to repeat the same thing._

_When the waves hit his ankles he let out a laugh that was mixed with a scream. It was the sweetest thing her ears had ever heard and in that moment she decided that it might be her favorite sound in the world. So she sat on the beach blistering hot and prayed that the moment would last forever._

\----

“That’s it?” Jake questioned looking over at her like she was insane. “Ames you could’ve come up with anything in the world you wanted and that’s all you got?” He grinned at her and she returned the smile.

“I don’t know what to tell you.” Amy said. “I don’t need anything fancy as long as you’re there.”

“Aww.” Jake said giving her his signature heart eyes. “That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me Santiago.”

“Shut up.” Amy said returning her attention back to Dr.Simpkins while trying not to laugh. 

“Well we are out of time.” Dr.Simpkins said. “I know that this is the last session, but if you ever want to come back all you have to do is sign up. Even if you’re not having problems seeing a counselor every so often can be a helpful thing. Most couples feel like they are closer when they do.” She reached into a folder and pulled out two pieces of paper. “Although you guys are technically done with me, I want you to ask each other these questions and give honest answers.”

“Thank you.” Amy said taking the paper. The world positives was typed on the top of it. 

“I’ve been very pleased with how much you two have grown and changed since first coming into my door. I think that if you keep up with everything that we’ve talked about you should be able to work through any problem you have. It’s been a pleasure working with you, and I hope to see you again.” She said extending her hand to the two them.

\-----

“Hey.” Amy asked after Jake played his word for scrabble. “Do you want to do those questions that Dr.Simpkins gave us?” 

Jake looked at her before looking back at the board where he had just played the world ‘between’. “What you scared you going to lose?”

“The score is 177 to 92 so no I am not afraid that I am going to lose. I just wanted to do the questions.”

“Yeah okay.” Jake said as Amy pulled out her list carefully unfolding it. 

“What is one thing you have always loved about me?” 

“Dedication and ambition.” Jake said right off the bat not even needing to think for a second about it. “Give me a hard one.” 

“Why?” Amy asked him qurking her eyebrow slighltly. Jake took a deep breath tilting his head from side to side. “You said you wanted a hard one.” she teased.

“My arrest records went up dramatically within the first month of you starting at the nine nine and they never faltered.” Jake said after a moment. “Before you showed up I was always the best detective, but you were way better than me. You made me a better detective without even knowing it. I thought i was just being competitive, needing to be the best. But I think that I wanted you to think highly of me. I needed to prove to you that I was good a detective.”

Amy reached across the table and took his hand. “You never had to prove anything to me. I thought you were a slob, but I knew you were a good detective right from day one. I’ve never questioned you intelligence.”

“Thank you.” Jake said rubbing a small circle on the back of her hand. “What about you, what’s one thing you’ve always loved about me besides my dashingly handsome look.”

“Shut up.” Amy said. “I’ve always loved your sense of humor. The way a room lights up when you walk into it. You make everything seem a thousand times better just by being around.”

“Wow. I didn’t know you thought so highly of my comedic ability.” Jake mocked her slightly grabbing the list out of her hand. “Something I do that makes you smile?”

“When you sing Taylor Swift way too loudly and off key in the car.” Amy said. 

“I do not sing off key. I could go pro if I wanted too.”

“You definitely could not.” Amy said. “But that’s cute that you think so. What about me?”

“When you do the double tuck while talking about me.”

“Oh that thing that Rosa said I do when I really like a guy?” Jake nodded and she smiled. “I don’t do it that often.”

“Ames you do it all the time. The other day you did it solely because you said your name was Amy Peralta and that’s been your name for five years now.”

“It still feels strange when people call me that!” Amy said defending herself. 

“I don’t care.” Jake said laughing. “I think it’s adorable.” He slid the list back across to Amy.

“Most treasured memory, and don’t make it something obvious like proposing or getting married.” 

“The bet then.” Jake said and she knew she was missing something from the insanely obvious category. “I wish I could relive that night sometimes. That was when I realized that I was fucked.” 

Amy laughed “Nice.” she said her voice dripping with sarcasm. She pursed her lips trying to pick something. “That was a nice night, but I always liked when we had to go to jazz brunch with Teddy.”

“What?!” Jake exclaimed. “You’re most treasured memory with me is when we went to the worst brunch ever with your ex-boyfriend who proposed to you?”

“Well not my most treasured memory, obviously that would be the proposal or wedding. But yeah jazz brunch is up there. When we were there with Teddy and that girl I realized how easily I could’ve been that girl. I broke up with Teddy because I was brave and decided to pursue you. I realized how lucky I was to have you. We’ve never had a boring day.”

Jake smiled widely at her. “No we haven’t.” He took the list from her and read the last question. “Something about our marriage that you wouldn't change for the world?”

“I love that we were partner and friends so long before we actually got together. I don’t think our relationship would’ve been the same if it wasn't for that. To be honest I don’t think we would’ve last. But I literally married my best friend and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Amy looked up meeting his dark brown gaze. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“That’s exactly what I was going to say only you put it a thousand times better than me.” 

She blushed slightly looking down at the scrabble board where she had her next word ‘equalize’ lined up. “Do you want to finish this game. I kind of want to win.”

“You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t.” Jake said, large smile on his face. “It’s your move.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this makes up for the last chapter being so sad :)


	9. All That You Are Is All That I'll Ever Need

**One Week Later**

“I can’t believe you have to leave again.” Amy said sitting on the edge of their bed watching Jake fold clothes and put them in his suitcase. 

“I know.” Jake said. “But it’s only a week. It’s not undercover work just a plain old boring conference. So there’s nothing to worry about.”

“I wish I could go. I could spend all day in the museums while you’re in the conference. Then at night we could both go sightseeing. I’ve always wanted to see that Washington monument. Also the Lincoln memorial.”

“You’ve never seen them?” Jake asked stopping what he was doing to look up at her. Amy could tell by the look on his face that he was coming up with a plan.

“No.”

“Why don’t you go with me then? We can do all that.”

“How would that even work?” Amy asked. “I have to work.”

“I know for a fact that you have enough over time to call of for an entire month if you wanted to.” Jake said laughing as he went back to folding. Amy took a second to admire how perfectly he was folding up all of his clothes before responding. 

“But I’m not just a detective anymore. Things are different when your management.”

“Okay.” Jake said zipping up his bag not pushing it any further. “Well I’m going to miss you then.” 

“Me too.” She said as they made their way down to their car. “Text me and let me know how everything's going.”

“It’s going to be so boring.” Jake said “But I will definitely text you.” 

At the airport Amy walked with him as far as she could before she needed a ticket. Jake took a hold of her hands and looked down at her with heart eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Have fun in D.C.” She wrapped her arms around him burying her head into his chest. His arms wrapped tightly around her never felt so good.

“Not as much fun as I would if you were.” Jake said breaking the hug and leaning down to kiss her. 

“I feel like you’re leaving for Florida all over again.” Amy said when they broke apart. 

“God why would you bring that up?” Jake asked with a slight smile. “That was one of the hardest nights of my life.”

“Tell me about it.” Amy said.

“It’s only a week Ames. We’ll be okay. I’ll call you every night and text you all day long.”

“I look forward to it.” She said wiping her eyes quickly. “You should go though, you only have an hour and half to get through security and find the gate.”

“Yeah.” Jake agreed looking behind his shoulder at the security line. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he wanted to stay there with her forever.

“Go.” She said shoving him slightly a small smile on her face and a slight laugh.

“Alright.” Jake said. “Gesh. I love you.” He said as he grabbed his bag off the floor. 

“I love you too.” She said watching him walk away from her and get into the security line. She was right before her heart dropped the same way it did all those years ago when she said goodbye to him as Jake and hello as Larry for six months.

\-----

**Two Days Later**

When Amy arrived at work Sarah was already waiting in her office. “Sarah.” Amy said with a smile. “What can I do for you?”

“Nothing.” Sarah said. “I just wanted to give you this.” Sarah handed Amy a couple of papers that were paper clipped together. “It’s my two week notice.”

“Oh?” Amy asked glancing down at the paper. 

“Yeah I got a job at major crimes that I think is going to be better for me. But I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for me. You’ve made me a better detective. If it wasn’t for you I don’t think I would’ve gotten that job. So thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Sad to see you go through.” Amy said.

“It’s for the best. I never really felt like I belonged here anyways. I think major crimes will just be a better job for me.”

“Well I wish you luck.” Amy said before Sarah walked out of the office and back into the bullpen. Amy sat at her desk sighing loudly. Now she had to look for people to hire. Her head already hurted thinking about how much of a paint job interviews and finding someone who was going to work well with the squad was.

She looked at her calendar where she marked everything going on for the entire month. It was definitely a busy month, but by some miracle this week was almost completely free. So in a whim she got on the internet and purchased a plane ticket to D.C. and then submitted her request to have the next five days off.

\-----

By five o’clock that night Amy was standing in the hotel just outside Jake’s door. She knocked once and waited. Inside she could hear him shuffling around. Finally the door opened and he looked at her with a look of pure surprise. “What are you doing here?” He asked a wide smile growing on his face.

“You were right. I should just take the week of and we can go see the city after your conference.” Jake didn’t even bothered answering before he was leaning down and kissing her dragging her into the hotel room.

Jake started kissing down her neck before she stopped him. It took a lot of self control to be able to do but she was somehow able to manage. “Can we go to dinner first?” She asked slightly breathless. “I’m starving.”

“Of course.” Jake said standing up. “I have to put on something nicer though.” He said glancing down at his clearly dirty shit and sweatpants.

“Good call.” She said.

They ended up in a booth at some restaurant that Jake swore was good. “I’m so glad you’re here.” Jake said once they were seated and looking at the menu. 

“Me too.”

“What museum are you going to start with tomorrow?” 

“Probably American History. I’ll probably be there all day. There’s just so much there!”

“I am so glad that I’m not going with you. I do want to see- oh which one is it? The one with all the fountain in the middle and big slate things with states names on thames?”

“What?” Amy asked. “Are you talking about the world war two memorial?

“Yes!” Jake said. “That one.”

“We can do that. I want to do the Washington, Lincoln and Jefferson though. Do you want to go the National Cathedral or should I do it alone?”

“Is that the big fancy church with all the cool stain glass.”

“Yes.”

“I’ll go to that. I read online that there’s a darth vader gargoyle.”

“You’re such a dork.” Amy said laughing. “So Sarah gave her two week notice today.” Amy said as the food arrived and they began to eat.

“Seriously?” Jake asked. “There’s a detective opening at the nine nine? That’s great!”

“Are you sure you want to go back?” Amy asked. “The pay is not nearly as good.”

“I don’t care about that.” Jake said. “I don’t want to travel anymore. I don’t want to do anymore undercover assignments. They’re not nearly as much fun as they were when I was young and single. I don’t know I just want to be back with my family.”

Amy smiled at him. “Well then you should apply. I think that you would have a pretty good chance of getting the job.”

“You think?” Jake asked. “I’ve heard the captain over there doesn't really like me.”

“Shut up.” Amy said laughing. “Just submit an application. Charles will die when you tell him.”

“Oh gosh. I don’t want to transfer back anymore.”

\------

“What would you say if I asked you to renew our vowels while we’re here?” Amy asked laying next to Jake still feeling breathless.

“What do you mean?” He asked turning to face her. 

“It doesn't have to be some big deal. Just a way for us to recommit to each other. It would be saying that we are officially off to a brand new start.”

“Then yeah, let’s do it. I would love to re-commit to you.” He said crawling on top of her and starting to kiss her again.

\-----

Two days later the two of them sat underneath the Cherry Blossoms sweeping across the D.C. landscape. “Do you want to go first?” Jake asked. “Not gonna lie, these aren't as good as my first ones.”

“Me neither.” Amy said. “We were never going to be able to tops those, but it’s all good.” She took his hand in hers taking a deep breath before she spoke. “You’ve always been my best friend, the person that I could always turn to, someone that I always knew was going to be there. As our relationship has progressed none of those things have changed. I still remember when I told you I didn’t believe in soulmates. The look on your face was one I’ll never forget. You looked so hurt that I didn’t believe that we were. But slowly over time you changed my mind. You made me believe in true love. I used to think love wasn’t worth fighting for. If it was hard than it wasn’t right. But you, Jake Peralta, are worth fighting for and I will fight for you every single day for the rest of my life if you’ll let me.”

Jake smiled at her tears in his eyes just like the first time. He cleared his throat once taking a deep breath. “You know me better than anyone else in the world. Every imperfection every flaw and yet you still find a reason to love and care about me. To this day there’s a still a small part of me that does not believe that I get to be your husband. When I talk to about you with our friends I call you ‘My Amy’ not because I think I own you but because you are my everything. You’ve made me a better person as our love is reflected in the way I live my life. I don’t know what I would do without you cause like I said, you are my everything.”

“I love you.” Amy said.

“I love you more than you can imagine.” Jake said as he leaned forward. The two met in the middle for a chaste kiss. One that signaled they were ready to start over and never have to do this again.


	10. Heaven Is A Place On Earth With You

**One Year Later**

Amy was up early Christmas morning. It was their first Christmas in their new house and she couldn't feel happier. They actually had a yard, a small one but still a yard, that was covered in snow. The Christmas tree was set up in the living room, presents for all of her nieces and nephews and his parents underneath. They even had a fireplace that they had hung the stockings on. Everything was perfect except for the fact that her husband was still in bed. 

Amy started the coffee and was pleasantly surprised when she heard footsteps coming down the stairs. “Why’d you leave?” He asked when he made it to the kitchen. “Thought we could have some early morning Christmas sexy timez.” 

“We had late night Christmas eve sexy times.” Amy said taking out the coffee pot and puring two mugs before making her way to the living room.

“So?” Jake asked following her. 

“So we have a lot to do today. Remember we’re going to your parents for lunch and then mine for dinner. Plus I thought that we could just exchange our gifts here alone.”

“You're not going to like mine. It’s kind of lame.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Amy said to him. “I’m sure I’m going to love it, it’s the thought that counts. Go get it wherever you hid it.” 

“Fine.” Jake said making his way up to their room. He was ninety percent sure that she was going to like it but he had been reading online about how to actually surprise someone. Turns out he was pretty predictable. So he made his ways downstairs with the large box that was very poorly wrapped.

Amy was already sitting on the couch holding a small box that of course was perfectly wrapped. “I’ll open yours first.”

“Woah woah woah.” Jake said holding his box away from her reach. “What if I want to open yours first?”

“Ladies first give me the box.” Jack sighed and handed it over to her. He watched as she unwrapped it as neatly as she could. Underneath the wrapping was a cardboard box that she opened to reveal Luggage monogrammed with ASP. Amy smiled brightly “I love it!” She beamed taking the bag out of the cardboard box. “But as soon as possible?” she joked looking down at the initials.

“There’s another A in that Ames.” Jake said a large smile on his face at finally catching her in a grammar-ish mistake. “It’s not my fault your initials kind of look like that. But open the bag.”

“What? No Jake this is plenty.” 

“Just open the bag.” He said smiling. She did what she was told and in the bottom of the bag found two plane tickets to Paris. “I know that we’ve been saying that we’ll go for years, but I think that we should stop putting it off.”

Jake looked at Amy who already had tears in her eyes. She leaned across the couch and pressed a kiss against her lips. “How on Earth did I get so lucky? I love it and I love you.” Jake smiled back at her and she handed over her gift.

He unwrapped it to find a copy of Die Hard that had ‘extra never before seen content’. “I love it. But I kinda already ordered this.” He said grimacing slightly.

“Oh.” Amy said looking down her voice lowering in defeat. “I guess I’ll return it then. Check inside the box to make sure the dvd is in there.”

“Why would the dvd not be in there?” Jake questioned as he opened the box. To his surprise she was right and the dvd was not in there. Instead there were two tickets to Taylor Swift. 

“Surprise.” Amy said a wide smile on her face at his look of shock.

“Are these seats and least five hundred feet away from the stage? If they’re not then we can’t go.”

“They are. Do you know how expenseive seats that violate that order would be?” Amy said. “But that’s not the only thing.”

“And you were telling me it was too much! Geesh Amy.” Amy reached into her sweatshirt pocket completely ignoring Jake. She handed him the small stick and he took it in his hands. She watched the way his facial features change as he realized what it was and what it meant. “Are you serious?” He asked and all she could do was nod. “Like serious serious?” 

“Yeah Jake. I’m serious. We’re doing this again.” Jake ran his hands through his hair standing up and dragging her with him. She laughed as he embraced her into the tightest hug possible.

“How long have you know.” He asked wiping a few tears of joy away from his eyes.

“A couple of days.” She said refusing to let go of him. “I’ve wanted to tell you so badly but I thought it would be a nice Christmas surprise.”

“I love you and our future kid so much.” 

\-----

A couple of hours later Jake was loading the car with all the presents while Amy sat at the dining room in front her computer. The web browser was already loaded, now she just had to figure out what she wanted to say. A million thoughts were running through her head at once. So much that it was almost hard to think straight. She took a deep breath and steadied her hands on the keyboard beginning to type.

_Dr.Simpkins has completely turned my husband and I’s marriage around. Before we saw her we were beyond hopeless. I was convinced that the only solution was divorce. But then we took a leap of faith and decided to see Dr.Simpkins. I can honestly say that it was the best decision I’ve ever made._

_After Dr.Simpkins sessions we learned how to better communicate and lean on each other in ways that we never had before. From now on anyone who I know that’s having problems I am going to recommend Dr.Simpkins. Honestly maybe even before you have problems. If we had some of the skills that we do know then maybe we wouldn't have had those problems._

“Amy!” Jake called out from their entry way. “Are you ready to go? Car is nice and warm.”

“Yeah one second.” Amy shouted back. “Just gotta finish a couple one little thing.”

_About a year after ending the sessions my husband and I are happily married again and looking forward to everyday we get to spend with each other. I can not describe how thankful I am for Dr.Simpkins and everything she has done for us._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading and commenting and giving kudos!! I actually already have my next au started (I have a serious problem) So it shouldn't be too long before I'm back :)

**Author's Note:**

> First I in no way think that they would ever have problems, I just wanted to write something super dark and angsty. This story is not going to be for everybody. There are definitely some ugly skeletons in the closet that are going to come out. I'll add some more tags as we get to them in the story for a warning.
> 
> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated :)


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